Good Things

Here's Adam and I at the lake on his first Father's Day. It was a fun day. Jessica, Adam's sister got access to someone's house /private lake and beach who was out of town. So we joined her family and Adam's parents for some swimming and a cookout. This was actually the place that Adam got baptized (before we met), and I'd never been there before. It was nice, but nerve-racking to be in a swimsuit. I still look like I have a little beer belly. The massive amounts of Dr. Pepper I've been drinking to help cope isn't helping that go away. :)

And I also wanted to post a picture of my friend Audra, who's been really great through all this too. It's been hard to spend a lot of time with her because she has a 7 month old, Reid. But she's been understanding. She's good for me because she calls me out when I'm being dumb about stuff. I appreciate that. Sometimes. :) We both have a little bit of a hard time being sentimental around each other, so I'm able to talk with her about things in a matter-of-fact way, which is nice sometimes.

And, a little bit of a milestone today. I held a baby today without crying or even feeling sad! She was 1 1/2, so I still might have to work up to being able to hold younger ones, but it was really good. She was at the studio for a photo shoot with Lindsey and she kept coming in the office to see me, she wanted up on my lap, so I picked her up and she drew me a picture and played with my calculator and was super cute! It's crazy because about a week ago, I was freaking myself out with the thought of having to hold a friend's baby that we were going to hang out with. I almost started crying just thinking about it. It seems minor, but I was really happy... I'm hopefully making progress. :)

Milestones

This Saturday is a big day. My big brother Michael is getting married to a wonderful girl, Sara. I couldn't be more happy for him, and she couldn't be more perfect for him. They are full of life and energy and adventure. We never thought Michael would find a girl who would ever be able to keep up with him, but he found one that might actually be more energetic than he is! Sara will be the perfect addition to our family, and I'm really excited to have a new sister. She's so good for him, and I'm so thankful God brought them together. Congratulations, Michael and Sara. I can't wait to see you join your lives forever. Marriage is wonderful, one of God's greatest gifts, and I'm so happy that you finally get to start your lives together! I took their engagement pictures back in December when they got engaged, here are a few photos of the happy couple:

But...there always seems to be a "but" these days...it's a little sad for me too. Adam and I are photographing their Colorado wedding, and I have imagined their day in my head so many times. I love photographing weddings. Getting to take part in a couple's special day is so fun and humbling and wonderful. This wedding was (and is) going to be extra special because it's my brother. I imagined it so many times...me running around in my black work outfit, trying to be everywhere at once, trying to document every moment for them while tearing up because I'm so happy that it's their big day...with a belly that was starting to grow. It probably sounds weird, but ever since I found out I was pregnant, I pictured my brother's wedding on June 27th as being the point in my pregnancy where I'd just be starting to show. I worried about stealing some of their thunder because I hadn't seen them since I broke the news, but then I knew they wouldn't care about that, they'd just be happy for us. When I told Michael on the phone that he was going to be an uncle, he was so excited. He couldn't believe it. He had thought that our baby days were still a long ways away. It was so fun to have such a great reaction from him! I couldn't wait to see him in person and share all the new exciting stuff that was going on for both of us. 

I had thought of a lot of milestones when we were pregnant, that won't be realized now. My mom had her first baby (Michael) when she was 23. I thought that seemed like the perfect age to have a baby, and so that was my goal. Nine months from when we first started trying to get pregnant, I would've still been 23. When last August came around, I knew it was my last month to conceive if I was still going to be 23 when I delivered. That didn't happen, and I was really sad, but I thought, 24 is pretty close to 23, so it's okay. When we finally did get pregnant, I was excited that I'd be 24 when I had my first baby! It seems like such a trivial thing, but it meant a lot to me. That's how my mom did it, that's how I wanted to do it. Most likely now, I won't still be 24 when and if we have our baby.

Adam and I talked a lot about how crazy it was that we were going to be parents before 2010, before Christmas. It seemed so surreal. My baby was supposed to be just 7 months younger than my friend Ginger's baby. Just a year younger than my friends Audra and Sage's babies. Everyone was going to play together, grow up together, and have so much fun because they were all so close in age. My baby was going to be born in December, which is a slow month for weddings, and since I'm a wedding photographer, it was perfect, and I was going to take the whole month off for maternity leave. We even had day care already set up for when I went back to work in January.

I have new realizations about things like this every day. And every day, it's like a ton of bricks got dumped on me once again. I know I couldn't have done anything differently to prevent how things happened, but it makes me feel so helpless. I don't rationally think that this outcome could be better for anyone, so why did it happen this way? I know in my heart that there's a bigger purpose, but my head just thinks that this baby made so much sense. What doesn't make sense is that he or she is gone.

I hate to admit this, but I've found that praying is hard. It's not that I don't trust God, it's not that I'm turning away from Him. It just reminds me of what happened more than anything. My baby is with Him. I'll be having a good day, remembering what happened, but not dwelling on it, and then when I stop to pray, all the questions come back. Why did this happen? What is the purpose? Did my baby have any pain? Will we be able to have another child? And since it's so painful to think about these things, I keep going and don't stop to pray. I know that's not the answer, so I'll keep fighting this uphill battle. Right after we lost the baby, Adam's mom sent me a list of verses to read that she thought would help. This is one that I go back to, to remind myself that I can only find true peace with Him.

"Rejoice in the LORD always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The LORD is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Phillipians 4:4-7

Again, I want to thank you all for your prayers, support, messages, emails, and comments on my blog. Even if I don't respond, I read everything and appreciate each one. It's hard sometimes to find the right thing to reply with. But know that it helps tremendously to know that you all aren't forgetting either, because I know I never will.

Father's Day

Today is hard. It was (untechnically) supposed to be Adam's first Father's Day. I got all kinds of "Happy first Mother's Day" from the few people who knew we were pregnant back in May, and I know we would've been teasing Adam with the same kind of comments today.

I mentioned this to Adam today, saying it would've been his first Father's Day. He replied that it really wouldn't have been, since we wouldn't have had the baby yet. While I totally understand his train of thought, it's hard because it shows the difference in the bond that I had with our baby and the one he had.

I know I am a mom. Even though my baby isn't here with us, I have a baby in heaven, and I know that he or she knows me and knows how much I loved them, and how much I still love them. Adam wasn't quite there yet. Since I wasn't really showing at all, and since he wasn't able to see the beating heart during the sonogram like I did, he hadn't completely made a connection with our baby yet. He loved the idea of being a daddy, but it wasn't quite real. That's another thing that makes this so hard...all the unrealized roles that people would've taken on. My parents would've been Grandpa and Grandma for the first time. My brother would've been an uncle for the first time. My brother's soon-to-be wife would've been an aunt for the first time. I guess in my heart, they still are all those things. Unfortunately, none of us got to meet the person that made us Mommy, Daddy, Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle, and Aunt.

I'm going to choose to still consider this Adam's first Father's Day. For those two and a half months that I carried our little one, we were Mom and Dad, and that will never change.

AND I want to just mention how much my own dad, Bruce, means to me. The simple fact that he's always been there, is what matters most. I have heard of so many broken homes or families where dad isn't around, and I'm so blessed that that has never been the case for me. My dad is my biggest fan and he always tells me how proud he is of what I've accomplished. When I was younger, he coached my little league teams and took us camping...he's always been such a strong leader for our family. He's loud, outgoing, obnoxious, and up for anything. :) I love you Dad!

Thankful

The plan was to not use this blog until we were well into our next pregnancy. It looks like that might not be for awhile now, and Adam thinks it might be a good outlet for me to get some of my thoughts out. And to get our story out, what we've been going through.

I don't think I'm quite ready to talk about the medical side of things, but suffice it to say that there are more complications than we knew of before. We're trying to rationally deal with those issues, but it's hard for me to keep my emotions in check when I'm sitting in a doctor's office, waiting endlessly for results that keep coming back as bad news.

I'm so thankful for my God. Without Him, there would be no reason for this. With Him, I know there's a higher purpose for everything we're going through. I know I quoted this verse before, when we announced our pregnancy, but it's even more of a comfort to cling to now:

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

-Jeremiah 29:11

That's all I have to hold on to right now. Some day, we will see the reason this all happened to us. Some day, God's purpose will be made clear and we'll understand everything, and praise Him for it. While it's hard to not be angry, I'm trying to even praise Him now, because I know He's the only one who can make sense of this and give me comfort.

I know this isn't the Oscars or anything :), but there are a few people who have been so instrumental in keeping me sane over these last three weeks. Aside from Adam, who's been my rock, I know I have a shoulder to cry on in these people. It's never too late to text or call if I'm having a meltdown. So here goes.

First off, my best friend Rachael is the most amazing friend anyone could have. When she first heard what happened to our baby, she cried and prayed and was more angry than even I was. Since she's a nurse, I've been able to talk to her about all the medical stuff as well as what I'm feeling. I couldn't ask for a stronger, more encouraging friend. She seems to know exactly what I'm saying, even if she can't exactly understand what I'm feeling. When Adam had to go out of town the week after we lost the baby, Rachael rearranged her work schedule up in KC so that she'd be able to come stay with me so I wouldn't have to sleep alone. She doesn't get uncomfortable when I start to cry, she usually cries with me. Which is strangely comforting. And she's so good at just listening and giving me Godly advice. I love you, Rachael, and am so thankful you've been by my side during this whole thing. Here are some photos of us the weekend she came down here.

Next, I have to thank Ginger. I don't even know where to start. She's sent me so many text messages at the most random times, just to tell me that she's thinking about me and to see how I'm doing. She's made such an effort to let me know that she will always remember my baby, even when other people start to forget, even when Adam and I finally do have a child to hold in our arms, she will remember my first baby and grieve with me when it's too much to think that I won't meet that little one til I'm in heaven. She has prayed for me, cried with me, and all the while, been so concerned that she's stepping on my toes in doing so. We have such a bond, I don't think there's anything she could do that would hurt my feelings or make me feel like she was being unsympathetic to how I felt. She was there through the 10 long months when we Adam and I were trying to get pregnant, and was probably the person who got the most excited when I finally was able to tell her that we were having a baby! I feel so bad that I haven't been able to celebrate her new little baby, Avery with her...it's just too hard to be around that at this point. And of course, Ginger understands that perfectly, and isn't offended at all. Ginger, thanks for loving me and helping get me through this, you've been more supportive than I could've asked you to be, and your constant texts have helped me know that I'm not alone in this. This photo is of Ginger and I sandwiching her mom, and you can see the top of Avery's head.

Lindsey has become so much more than just my business partner, she is now one of my closest friends. Though she was kind of forced into the role of being my daily picker-upper after we lost the baby, there was no hesitation in her willingness to be there for me any time I needed it. I went back to work just two days after everything happened, and she was immediately there for anything I needed - to talk, to listen, to make me laugh. She has probably been the single biggest thing that has kept me from going crazy depressed because I can't help but fall into speaking in our made-up accent and joking around when I'm with her. I think her attitude of "life goes on, but I'm here if you need to break down for a second" has helped me seamlessly ease back into my routine, and carry on my normal life. I think God placed her in my life for a number of reasons, but one of them was to help me through this storm. Lindsey, I don't tell you enough how grateful I am for you and for your quirkiness. You've done a fantastic job of holding me together. Last week, Lindsey and I went to the bridal shop next door to our studio to talk to the owner, and we ended up trying on wedding dresses.



I have so many things that I wanted to include in this blog post because I have so many thoughts running through my head. There isn't a hour that goes by that I don't miss my baby. The littlest things trigger the biggest meltdowns, and I don't know how long it will take for that to change. I can only cling to God and make steps through His guidance to try to get through this. I'll never forget, but I'd like to get to a place where I'm thankful for the few weeks I did have with my baby, and I don't cry every time I think about how we lost him (or her). That's another thing. I wish I knew my baby's gender so I could at least give it a name... but I'll save that kind of talk for another post.

I don't want to go without mentioning that my parents and Adam's parents have been a huge blessing as well. They know when to give us what we need, and they know when to back off. It's hard for them too because they loved this little life and were making plans for it too. I also have many other friends who've been really encouraging and helpful during this time. I've even had lots of people I didn't know get in touch with me to tell me they are praying and are so sorry for what happened. I thought it'd make things harder since we had just announced our pregnancy to everyone, but I'm thankful it happened the way it did. I can't imagine going through this without anyone knowing that we are grieving.

To end on a lighter note, Adam and I photographed two out-of-town weddings this weekend, and I took a few pictures of our adventures. First, my hairy but amazingly good-looking hubby, and me :).


We found this sign, in Manhattan for a road that was actually called Goodfood Place. I think there was an IHOP and a Pizza Hut on that road.

At one of the gas stations where we stopped, we found a gigantic beef jerky.

This was after we finally got home Sunday, I was able to take a nap. Adam walked in and found this scene. I covered Axl's man parts in Photoshop to keep it clean.

And since I included a picture of my dog, (and I know some of you will think I'm a freak), I must say that I am also really thankful for my dogs. As we speak, Axl has his head in my lap and is snoring away. Because he's so big, I can hug him tight if I need a hug and no one's home, he doesn't mind me laying on him and throwing my leg over him while we're taking a nap. And my little guy, Diesel, is the perfect remedy to my empty arms. He's baby-sized and will let me hold him (at least for a little while) when I just need to feel like a mom and have someone in my arms.