828

So, talk about a message in church totally hitting home. This weekend, pastor Mark is preaching about Romans 8:28:

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

If you get a chance, and if you remember later this week, you should watch the whole message when it's posted by going to newspring.org.

BUT, to recap...life sucks sometimes. Horrible, unspeakable things happen to people. Things that, it seems, no one should have to endure. But you have to have faith in those times of distress because

"...in all things God works..."

Not some things. Not certain things. God works in ALL things. And not only that, He works for the good of us.

I can't see the good in this situation now. I can't see it ever being a good thing. But I can't see things the way God does...and I can't see the future.

Does this mean I can't be angry? Does this mean I can't wish things weren't the way they are? No. I just have to have faith that God is stronger. He knows what He's doing.

And in the meantime, I must conduct myself in a way that shows that while I may not understand, I am trusting my God to be bigger, and stronger. I've got to have faith.

This Week

Hello again. A busy week, with lots of long days at work, but it was good. I had a couple photo sessions that were fun, and we had some great weather! I had lunch with my friend Natalie yesterday, which was wonderful. I hadn't seen her for awhile, and so we updated each other on all the goings on in our lives. No wedding this weekend, so we'll see if I can make it through two whole days off without going into work. I didn't quite do that last time, so we'll take another shot at it. :)

Once again, just getting all the photos off my little camera from this week. Lindsey had another adventure, taking this cute penguin out for some photos...

I think she was directing him to pose. He's looking a little uncomfortable.

Ryan and Risa bought a house! Last night we all went to help them move and to see the new house. The boys and I started out at their apartment, loading trailers. You can see that Adam's getting a lot of work done.

As a side note, Adam cut his hair this week! I'd been bugging him all summer to cut it and to grow his beard back, and he's finally listening to me. :) It looked good the other way too, I just like him with short hair.

This is the other Ryan. He's a weirdo. Apparently the chair got really heavy once he realized I was taking a photo.

Their old apartment.

Adam found a gun in their apartment. He's into guns lately. He's actually taking a conceal and carry class all day today. Why, I'm not sure...

After moving a bunch of heavy stuff, Ryan and Risa treated us to pizza. Everyone's looking their best in this picture.

We had pizza, wontons, and corn dip. YUM. The scale wasn't nice to me this morning.

Reid was a big help with the moving. :) Here he is with his Mom.

Risa stocking the kitchen.

Melinda helping.

Val and I just felt like we were in the way, so we tried to look as awkward as possible:

Ah! He's attacking the camera!

Doing one of his many tricks.

Adam had me Photoshop this picture for him this week. He's a 5th grade teacher, and apparently they're no longer able to have different wallpapers on their computers, everyone has to have the same thing. What the administrators chose was boring, so they said they'd accept admissions. So Adam found this photo of a rodeo, and had me put all the male teachers' faces on the people, as well as the school's logo (Mavericks) on the head of the bull. He told me that everyone thought it was hilarious and it will probably go in the yearbook. My husband is strange...

And Lindsey took this fun photo of me yesterday at the studio. We had just averted a major crisis, so we were all in a good mood...which I guess inspired me to put on a tutu? Don't really recall the train of thought there.

Today, I get another Saturday off, which is great. I'm going over to Audra's later this morning with all the other girls to have a beading party. Some of us (who will remain unnamed...) have become obsessed with beading and jewelry making. Should be fun.

Have a good weekend!

Slump

I'm kinda in another slump now. I was good for awhile...distracted from things for the most part. I was talking about it with Rachael this evening (Happy Birthday to Rachael, by the way!), and she came up with a good thought: we're back to the waiting part. Up until now we'd been seeing doctors, scheduling our next appointments, being proactive in the next step. Now we're just back to waiting. Back to trying to get pregnant, which I know oh so well.

Weren't we just here?

Weren't we supposed to be done with that struggle?

I also was talking with Rachael about her cousin who was in pre-term labor at 28 weeks. She's doing good, and will hopefully carry the baby for another month at least, but she's been put on bedrest. What if that happens to me? What if we get pregnant now, and then I'm put on bed rest in my last trimester, when I have a bunch of weddings to shoot? It's not an option to not do the weddings. It's not an option to not be on bedrest. I guess that's one of those "we'll cross that bridge when it comes" things, but I have a million thoughts like that going through my head all the time. Once again, it brings me back to the fact that our baby being due in December would've been so perfect.

Sigh.

Happenings

Axl just farted. That's probably not a good way to start a post, but it smells really bad and it's all I can think about right now. He's fast asleep, by the way. Oh, the life of a dog.

Speaking of dogs, here are a couple photos of Diesel. He was posing so pretty the other day. Isn't he precious? I think he's the cutest little puppy ever.

Lindsey has been out of town for a wedding that she's a bridesmaid in this weekend. Last week she was having a hard time concentrating on work since she knew she was going to be going to Colorado. The poof is a good place to be unproductive at the studio, so she went and laid on it for awhile.

I brought her a lion friend to keep her company.

Thursday night was Sexi Sushi Club at Kwan Court. Adam doesn't like sushi, and I'm undecided on the subject. I got sushi, but it was all cooked. Adam got a plate of beef, cooked as well. We're not good members of the club. Here's Scott. He's a co-president of the club. He's a freak.

A few of the other members. Dawn on the right is a co-president as well.

Adam and I after a few unsuccessful attempts at a good photo.

More Sushi club members. There are a couple Hoppers in there.

These were mine. Shrimp tempura maybe? I forget.

And their fun fish tank.

Yesterday morning Audra, Melinda, and I had brunch at Melinda's house. Yum. She made an amazing egg and sausage casserole. It was fun just lounging around with friends and talking, nothing else to do. All our hubbys were out golfing together, so we made the most it. Here's Ryan and Melinda's dog Jersey. He's so cute. I love his beard. He was smiling for me here.

Audra and her little boy Reid. He needs to calm down on the cuteness. We styled his hair into a mohawk the night before, but it didn't last.

Reid really likes dogs. His parents don't. So he plays with other people's dogs by crawling after them and chasing them. Jersey wanted nothing to do with him, but this was a rare moment of co-existing.

After lots of playing, he fell asleep and had the funniest big poofy lips.

He was just all splayed out there. You like how they match? Go State!

In other news, we had a really good outdoor wedding last night in rural Newton, on a farm. I love outdoor weddings. Especially in the evening because we have such good light. And the bride went to Adam's high school, so we knew quite a few people that were there. Now we get next weekend off, so that will be nice.

This morning was Watermark weekend at church, Audra and I took pictures of 300+ people being baptized! Amazing. I will be posting photos of that next week on my photo blog.

Hope everyone had a great weekend! I'm hoping to get a nap in today, doesn't that sound wonderful? :)

Update

The appointment yesterday didn't go as well as expected. Our doctor told us before my surgery that there was a 10% chance that they wouldn't remove the entire septum during the first surgery and I'd need a second surgery. He said it was better to remove to little than too much, so they err on the side of caution.

I still have some of the septum left. They made a very significant dent in it...he showed us before and after pictures, and you could see a huge difference, but there's still a definite something there to make it not quite shaped right.

What do we do now?

Well, there are two options. I could go in and have another surgery so that they would get it all and I wouldn't have to worry about it. Or, we can try to get pregnant now and see what happens. Since they did remove so much of the septum, my chances of miscarrying are much lower. My doctor said he would recommend not having the second surgery, and to start trying now.

I was already leaning that way, but I asked him about percentages. He explained it this way. If you take 100 women, there's a 20% of miscarrying if you're completely normal. So we're down to 80 women. Of those 80 women, if they all have a septum and have the surgery to fix it, and it gets fixed completely, 94-98% of them will carry a full-term baby. Since my septum isn't completely gone, I have a 92-96% chance of carrying a full-term baby. So my chances aren't a ton different, but there's still that 2-6%. Which is disheartening.

I want to give a special thanks to my mom. Adam couldn't go with me yesterday and the procedure they did was pretty painful. So I'm really really glad she could come with me to hold my hand. Thanks, Mom. I appreciate your comments of how brave I was being, but I know you would've done the same as long as you kept the end result in mind.

So I guess I'm "healed." At least as healed as can be for now. We'll see what happens.

Sono & X-Ray

Tomorrow I will be having a sonogram and x-ray done to make sure that everything has healed properly and that the surgery did what it was supposed to. I'm excited because this is the last step, and then we're done with all this. I'm praying that everything looks normal because then I can stop focusing on that part, and can move on. Unfortunately, Adam can't go with me since he's back to school, but my amazing mom is coming. I'll be sure to update this when I get a chance.

Tonight we're off to the Sexi Sushi Club with friends at Kwan Court! Should be fun!

Down by 5!

You know how everyone finds a diet/workout/eating plan that works for them? I'd never found that.

The first year I was in business and working from home full time, I went to the Y every morning and worked out HARD. Hard for me at least. I'd run 2.5 miles twice a week, lift, do the elliptical, stair stepper, etc. Never lost a pound. It was so frustrating. The only reason I kept with it was because I kept thinking One of these days, it'll all just start falling off...it didn't. Then I found some workout classes I liked - step aerobics and kickboxing. So I started doing those. Still nothing. Then I stopped going to the Y because business had picked up and I didn't have time anymore. No change. Didn't get fatter, didn't lose anything.

Going to the gym was worthless for me.

I guess the reason I gained the weight in the first place was the simple fact that I got married. I don't think I changed anything else about my lifestyle. The extra 15 pounds must've happened simply because I was now co-habitating with a boy.

Adam and I keep trying and failing to lose weight. We'll eat healthier! Starting Monday... We never stuck with anything.

BUT ALAS! I've found it! We got iPod Touches on our trip to Washington state in April, and we found this app - Livestrong. The basic idea is the same as calorie counting, but it makes it so easy. (Sorry I couldn't find a more exciting graphic.)

Here's the basic idea. You start out by making a profile: your height, weight, how active you are, how much you want to lose per week. You gotta be truthful and realistic in your goal, otherwise it won't work. Every time you eat something, you search for that food, and the app has virtually every food in every brand that you can think of. So you plug in what you ate, and it keeps track of all your calories for everything you plug in. And it tells you how many calories you have left for the day.

Now, sometimes you can't resist, and you have to eat more than your allowance for the day. No problem, there's fitness aspect to it too. One day, I was over by 80 calories. There's a place to keep track of your exercise too. So I typed in some sample things I could do into the fitness part of it, and found out that I needed to do 8 minutes on the elliptical to burn off those 80 calories. We have an elliptical at home, I ended up doing a little more than 8 minutes, so I ended up being under my calories for that day!

Another day, I REALLY wanted ice cream in a waffle bowl. I did 20 minutes on the elliptical, lifted weights for 10 minutes, then I ate my ice cream and gained back all the calories I'd just worked off. It was worth it. I didn't have to feel guilty.

That's the best thing about this - I don't necessarily have to eat healthy. I still get my 32 oz Dr Pepper from QT in the afternoon, I just have to make sure to allow that into my calories for the day, and since I use that as my mid-afternoon snack, I'm good to go!

I've lost 5 pounds! 

And counting. Couple this with the fact that Adam and I have decided not to eat out this month, and I think that's why we're succeeding. He's lost like 7 pounds as well. In addition, we're keeping track of our weight each week by writing it on one of our bathroom mirrors so that we see it every day, which keeps us accountable.

You don't have to have an iPod, you can go online by clicking here and it's the same thing. 

DO IT. It works. :)

Carried

Kelly's Korner blog had a very powerful, difficult post today. Click here to view it. There's a video about a couple who lost their baby. You can read about their story by clicking on the links. The line that I couldn't get past:

"I will carry you, while your heart beats here....

I will carry you, all my life.

I will praise the One who's chosen me to carry you."

I will praise the One who chose me to carry my little one.

I know He will carry me.

Psalms

"You keep track of all my sorrows.

You have collected all my tears in your bottle.

You have recorded each one in your book."

-Psalm 56:8

"Only God gives inward peace, and I depend on Him. God alone is the mighty rock that keeps me safe, and he is the fortress where I feel secure. God saves me and honors me. He is that mighty rock where I find safety."

-Psalm 62:6, 7

Angry

Well. I believe I'm now dealing with a new emotion...anger. In the past few weeks, my immediate response to thinking about our miscarriage has changed...it isn't sadness anymore. I get so angry. Seriously. Why did this happen? What possible reason could this have happened for? What good can it do?

I guess one of the biggest things I'm angry about is the timing. If we get pregnant in the next few months, our baby would be due next summer. If next summer is like this summer was, with all my crazy weddings and stress at work, how am I supposed to fit being huge and pregnant, and giving birth in there? I would've been due in December with the baby we lost, which was perfect. I have one wedding in December and could've otherwise taken the entire month off. It makes me want to scream. If we don't get pregnant in the next few months, I'll be devastated, maybe even more angry than I am now. So there's no winning with this aspect of it.

Other things I'm really angry about...

Why do other people get pregnant on accident?

Why do people who are horrible parents have 5 kids? 

Why do people who think it's okay to have an abortion get pregnant?

Why is having a baby something that most people (or so it seems) easily get, while I have to work so hard for it? We tried for so long, and I cried so many tears in the process, and poured so much love into our first baby - before it was even conceived. Why does this have to be so hard for us?

Thinking about all this just puts a lump in my throat. Once again, I'm back to the thought of "There's absolutely nothing I can do about what happened." And that makes me angry too. 

I know my God is bigger than anything I can comprehend. I know He's faithful to his children. I know I don't deserve any of the blessings He's already given me. His grace is more than enough.

But...I think it's okay to be angry with God.

I think it's okay to be frustrated in trying to figure out His plan. I've had this conversation with Rachael several times. When she first heard about our miscarriage, her immediate response was anger. I wasn't there yet.

I was just...so...sad.

She voiced all of these things in our many phone conversations back in May and early June. But I wasn't thinking those things yet. Now I'm there. And I'm really mad. And I just want my baby back...

Recap of Our Week

Just a few recent events... Last week Wednesday (I think?) we went to see Adam's brother Matt's band Hipbilly play at the Donut Whole. They're amazing. Seriously. There's a lot of talent in that band, and their sound is so different. Adam wouldn't let me take any photos of us, so I had to find other things. These are our amazing donuts. Mine was chocolate with cocoa pebbles on top, Adam's was plain with fruity pebbles. Both GOOD. Not so much on the diet, but GOOD.

Didn't want to use flash, so sorry for the blur. This is Hipbilly! Matt's the blurriest one...on the right in the black and green shirt.

Then Friday we went out to eat with two other couples: Luis & Val, and Ryan & Risa. We had lots of trouble figuring out a seating arrangement since there were three couples and two sides to the booth. So...here's Risa and Luis, Luis got sandwiched between the Haug's.

And me and Val.

With Adam.

Ryan was the only one I didn't have a photo of, so I took one of him paying. :)

Afterwards, we went back to the Alicea's where we rocked it out on RockBand. Risa and I got a little crazy and ended up trying to make choreographed dances to the classic rock songs. We ended up resorting to classics like "The Sprinkler" and "The Lawn Mower." We're professionals.

More fun in store for this weekend of FREEDOM. I will never underestimate the amazingness of a free weekend again. I love my weddings, but I love relaxing too! We're having a movie night with friends tomorrow, and then I'm garage saleing (which I don't know if I've ever done except when I was little) with my mom (I'm going to try to work up the courage to look for baby stuff) and then we're going to watch the second Harry Potter movie since we both just finished that book (me for the second time).

Last Night

Last night was hard.

Don't know why.
Nothing happened to trigger anything.

I was just laying in bed, not really able to sleep, Adam was already asleep next to me. And I just got to thinking...and had a breakdown. Time to think isn't good for me these days. Luckily, there isn't much of it.

Brain Dump

Hi...just a random post to get some thoughts out.

I've been learning a lot lately about being content. Content with what I have, content (and confident!) in knowing what I like, content with how our life is going. I have so many things/people that I'm so grateful for...I need to step back every once in a while and realize just how good I have it. I have an amazing husband, parents who are very supportive, a house that I love, two healthy wonderful dogs, a thriving business, and awesome friends. Kinda along these same lines, but kinda not...I was talking to a friend lately about all this. She's a mom and has recently decided that she's not going to worry about what other people think about how she raises her kid. People can give her advice right and left, but only she knows what's good for her baby. Stretching that to relate to my life, I can compare what I have to what other people have, but in the end, my house is big enough, I have plenty of clothes, and my hubby is super hot. :) 

Did that make any sense?

In spite of all of that, I definitely am still struggling with this whole miscarriage thing. I feel like (and I know this is ridiculous) if I talk about it enough, someone somewhere will give me a solution. They will spell out for me exactly how to deal with it...all the emotions, all the heartache. There's got to be an answer. Right? Wrong. There's no answer, there's no way to make it easier. 

I also realized that throughout this whole thing, I've been banking on getting pregnant right away when we start trying again. What if that doesn't happen? That will turn me into a heaping mess. Hmm. I guess we'll just cross that bridge when it comes and pray hard about it in the mean time.

We had a really great wedding tonight, which I will be posting photos from sometime this week on my photo blog. But I'm so excited for next weekend because it's my first weekend off since May! The last weekend I had off was the weekend we lost the baby. That's crazy to think about. Anyway, I have no plans and I'm so excited about that. Woohoo!

I'm re-reading Harry Potter and am on the second book. It makes me want to be a wizard. Real bad. Is that childish? :)

Today's Appointment

Kind of an anti-climactic appointment today. Which is good! Dr. Tjaden basically just wanted to know if I had any questions and I only had a few. I will be starting another round of Provera in a couple days to induce my next cycle. After that cycle, I'll have a sonogram and x-ray to make sure the surgery was thorough enough in removing the septum. If everything looks good, we'll wait for my next cycle to start, and then we're good to go. Which I pretty much knew vaguely, but now we have a little more of a time frame for things.

Thanks to everyone who was praying for us today. I'm feeling very optimistic lately, and God can be the only reason for that. :)

Girls' Night

Saturday after I was finished with my wedding, Lindsey and I went over to Katie's new apartment for a little house warming. Katie was our studio manager until early June. She graduated with a graphic design degree and now works as a graphic designer at Autobook. Anyway, she finally moved out on her own and has the cutest apartment!

We had tacos and chips and dip and cookie bars, watched Drop Dead Gorgeous and Practical Magic, and took dumb photos. Here they are! :)

Katie started an eye-closing trend...

We had a casualty...not really sure what happened to Lindsey.

We made cookie bars in my amazing brownie edge pan. YUM.

Here's a little of Katie's cute apartment. She got that yellow chair at a garage sale for $5!

And a cute lamp.