I guess one of the biggest things I'm angry about is the timing. If we get pregnant in the next few months, our baby would be due next summer. If next summer is like this summer was, with all my crazy weddings and stress at work, how am I supposed to fit being huge and pregnant, and giving birth in there? I would've been due in December with the baby we lost, which was perfect. I have one wedding in December and could've otherwise taken the entire month off. It makes me want to scream. If we don't get pregnant in the next few months, I'll be devastated, maybe even more angry than I am now. So there's no winning with this aspect of it.
Other things I'm really angry about...
Why do other people get pregnant on accident?
Why do people who are horrible parents have 5 kids?
Why do people who think it's okay to have an abortion get pregnant?
Why is having a baby something that most people (or so it seems) easily get, while I have to work so hard for it? We tried for so long, and I cried so many tears in the process, and poured so much love into our first baby - before it was even conceived. Why does this have to be so hard for us?
Thinking about all this just puts a lump in my throat. Once again, I'm back to the thought of "There's absolutely nothing I can do about what happened." And that makes me angry too.
I know my God is bigger than anything I can comprehend. I know He's faithful to his children. I know I don't deserve any of the blessings He's already given me. His grace is more than enough.
But...I think it's okay to be angry with God.
I think it's okay to be frustrated in trying to figure out His plan. I've had this conversation with Rachael several times. When she first heard about our miscarriage, her immediate response was anger. I wasn't there yet.
I was just...so...sad.
She voiced all of these things in our many phone conversations back in May and early June. But I wasn't thinking those things yet. Now I'm there. And I'm really mad. And I just want my baby back...
I am praying for you tonight.
ReplyDelete- Kim
i was angry too, so much so! it is so hard to see people who don't really care about being pregnant, pregnant! i worked at a high school were girls were finding out everyday they were pregnant! it made me so mad! i would ask, no beg God to let me get pregnant this month and in turn spare a 16 year old.
ReplyDeleteit sucks that when you get down to the nitty gritty getting pregnant is HARD TO DO! and all of those why questions with no answers suck too.
i would be doing ok, normal even and then out of nowhere just lose it, be so angry, at God at my husband at myself for being angry at them. it just sucks!
hang in there and try not put pressure and stress on your self, that makes getting pregnant even harder! (sorry i know you've heard it all before) really try try try to enjoy the time you have with yuor husband (i know i know i can say all of this because i have what you want) and i know you won't understand til you can look back, but this time with him is sooo important and i know at times i hurt jeff by focusing so much on getting pregnant that he felt i cared more about that than him.
it's just HARD! and it just SUCKS!
but we will continue to pray for you both!
Just a random wanderer. I'm so sorry that you've gone through the loss of a pregnancy, I cannot imagine how hard that is.
ReplyDeleteI ask those same questions b/c we cannot get pregnant after trying for a very long time. It really doesn't seem fair does it?
I'll certainly pray that it's your turn soon to have a beautiful healthy baby.