Bye-Bye Crib, Hello Big Boy Bed!

Tonight was a big deal in our house! We gave away our crib, and now we have two big boy beds.

Adam's dad Ed made us the crib when we were pregnant with Sutton. I was able to choose the stain and the hardware, and it was made with so much love. After having it up in our house constantly for the past 6+ years, it definitely holds so many memories. It is hard to be done with it, but Ren is almost 2.5 now, so we knew it was time.

He took his last nap in there this afternoon, and then we took a few photos while we were cleaning out the drawers. He is pant-less after his nap, and wearing his new backpack that we just bought him for Kids Day Inn that he will be starting in September (which is basically a pre-preschool, but you know what? Momma needs to get stuff DONE!).

Two amazing boys who spent their baby years in this beautiful crib!

Ren pretended to sleep one last time. :)

I have to give Adam all the credit for this next part. Long story short, there's a couple whose wedding I photographed several years ago who have a pretty similar infertility story as we do, and they are finally expecting! Adam thought they would be the perfect people to gift this crib to...with the stipulation that they gift it to another deserving/loving family when they are done with it. So we decided that we should write the names of all the babies who have used this crib on the bottom and it can be a crib with an awesome story!

The first two names of what will hopefully be a long list!!

Adam disassembled the crib and we took it over to Abby and Drew's house this evening. They are just the sweetest people you'll ever meet and are so appreciative of this gift. Their kindness and excitement about the whole thing makes it even more wonderful to give it to them. That's my words-of-affirmation love language shining through. :)

We went back home and hauled in all the pieces of Ren's new bed to assemble. This was the bed that Papa Ed made for Sutton after we found out we were pregnant with Ren and had to move Sutton out of the crib. It has been in storage since Sutton got his bunk bed, and Ren was so excited for it to be his!

There's a piece that slips on the foot of the bed that looks like Lightning McQueen and has a steering wheel. So that's what he's "driving"in the photo above. Then he pretended to sleep in his new bed.

We got him a pillow and he obliged me by saying "cheese."

But this was how he really felt about the whole thing...

And then he stood up and told us "new bed! Ta-da!" as if we hadn't done all the hard work of putting it together.

He's fast asleep in there now, and I'm hoping this transition is a smooth one!

We Had a Baby...Here's What I Think About It

I have half of a second of quiet here, so I thought I'd write something a little more touchy-feely than I have lately.

As I'm learning more and more every day, time is so darn fleeting and there's not a thing I can do to slow it down. My little Ren is already 3 months old (I took lots of cute photos for his 3 month post, but my computer is currently being repaired so we'll have to wait until I can get it back before I can post them...this post is coming to you from Adam's laptop), and I feel like I was pregnant just 2 seconds ago. I know that I will forget so many of the feelings, thoughts, epiphanies that I had during this time in my life, and I wanted to record this one so I could remember.

My brain fails me yet again (birthing children seems to have the same effect on the mind as doing drugs...not that I would know, but I would assume), and I can't remember how much I shared about our decision to have a second kiddo. So if some of this is repetitive, forgive me.

Daddy, Mommy, and Sutton. We were the best three-some that ever was. We loved US. Having just one kid allows you so much more flexibility than having more, and we knew that. We could cater to his every need without a second thought. Give him undivided attention. And that one kid was amazing. Sutton was so smart for his age. He was funny. Thoughtful. Sweet. He sure loved his momma. And I loved him.

The thought of another kid scared the you-know-what out of me.

The common questions were there: how could I ever love another kid as much as I loved Sutton? How would I be able to divide my time between two children when I already felt like Sutton took up every second? How will Sutton deal with not being our one-and-only anymore?

But there were other things about the thought of having another kid that I hadn't heard my friends deal with: I can't bear the thought of Sutton not getting ALL of the attention anymore. Since a newborn would be so dependent on me for nursing, I know that I'd have to constantly be with the baby...does that mean it would be a separation - Daddy and Sutton doing their own thing, while I'm stuck at home with this baby?

And then of course, there were the guilty feelings: why should I even be questioning or thinking about this so much when I should really be trusting it all to God's plan for our family? What if I can't even get pregnant again since we had so much trouble the first time? Why do I seem so ungrateful for the possibility of having another child when so many people I know struggle with infertility?

Several people asked us, or made comments about us waiting so long to have another kid. All of the above is why...though I still don't think a 3 1/2 year gap is that long. We always said from the get-go that we'd probably spread our kids out a little more than most. And the more time that passed, the harder it was to make the decision to have another one.

So last spring, the conversation began. Sutton was almost 3 years old. We wanted our kids to be close enough in age to be able to play together, and we were probably pushing that window if we waited much longer. In my head, it all made sense, but that doesn't mean I was ready.

Long story short, the decision was made to try for another baby. Even though my heart didn't feel ready to love another kid...my head said it was time. And Adam. Adam said it was time. :)

Then we found out my brother and his wife were expecting. That made me question things even more. I didn't want to take any of the spotlight away from them and their new addition. But through lots more discussion, Adam and I decided we needed to base our family decisions on OUR family and not on anybody else's.

Green light.

I saw my doctor, took all the necessary steps we needed to take (i.e., got on Femara again). And just like that, the first month, I was pregnant.

Getting the positive pregnancy test wasn't the same as it was with Sutton. Sutton had been prayed for, longed for, wanted...for so, so long. So many years and tears and heartache went into getting pregnant with that little boy. This time, I was still hesitant. Still unsure that a life with two kids was something I wanted. So when that faint second line showed up, I wasn't unhappy, but I was cautiously, nervously excited.

Don't get me wrong...the second I found out I was pregnant, I began to cherish that little life inside me. After going through infertility and through losing one baby, I don't think I have it in me to ever be sad about a pregnancy. It was just...different.

Then when I started bleeding during that first trimester and thought I was losing this baby too, God really showed me just how much I cared about this baby. I prayed and prayed during that time, pleading with God. I would do anything as long as He didn't take this baby from me.

And He didn't.

Fast forward to the ninth month. I'm huge, I'm uncomfortable, I'm ready for this baby to get here. But I'm still not ready to have two kids. I'm still scared that Adam is going to spend most of his time with Sutton, and I'll be stuck at home with this baby. They'll be going out and doing fun things. I'll be sitting around on the couch, missing out. But the uncomfortableness of pregnancy trumped those feelings, and I just wanted the baby OUT.

And then he came out.

And it wasn't just some random, anonymous he. It was Ren. MY Ren.

You see, that was one thing that I'd never thought about in all the time I thought about this second kid. He was always just a vague thought...some baby I didn't really know, didn't have a connection to, who didn't really have a defined face in my thoughts. But that's not the baby I had. The baby I had was Ren. And he was MY little boy. And I was done. It was over. I couldn't imagine our life without him.

If I'm being honest, there was a slight disappointment during that 18-week sonogram when I found out we were having another boy. While I felt more prepared to be a mom of a boy, I knew I'd never have the experience of being a mom to a girl. 

Gone. All of that nonsense. Gone.

The moment I met him...he had my heart forever. And every day, that love grows. I can't imagine anyone else completing our family, and the little dude barely even has a personality yet! Ha! I know he is everything we could've ever dreamed of or hoped for and all those months of worry, anxiety, and stress about if we made the right decision are gone.

Sutton doesn't get all of the attention anymore. And he causes me more stress than the baby, honestly. (The constant questions, often questions that don't even make sense...can really wear a person down.) But holy cow, is he the best big brother.

Sutton takes such good care of Ren, and just learns from us how to help in every situation. He knows when to give Ren his pacifier. He asks me to put pillows on the side of the bed so Ren doesn't roll off (doesn't matter to him that Ren can't even roll yet). He helps me change diapers by standing next to the changing table to make sure Ren doesn't cry. And if he does cry, you'd better believe that you'll be hearing "It's okay, Ren!" about 20 times in the next 20 seconds.

You see, when I was thinking about the things that would be lessened by another baby coming into our family, I couldn't even fathom the things that would be added: Sutton taking on the big brother role with flying colors, getting to love on a baby once again, seeing Adam connecting in the way only a daddy can to another little boy, experiencing life as a complete family. This is us. We are Daddy, Mommy, Sutton, and Ren. And I couldn't want anything more.


(Just to throw a little "real life" in there...I got frustrated about 27 times this morning with Sutton already and had to get up 4 times during the night to feed a baby. So it's not all roses and sunshine. But it IS pretty freaking awesome.)

One Year Ago...

One year ago today, we found out that we were expecting this amazing blessing:

In my wildest dreams, I couldn't have imagined a more perfect baby. Sure, he throws fits every now and then, and I have had my meltdowns too. But this little man has stolen my heart in every way. God knew exactly what Adam and I needed in a baby, and wrapped it all up in the handsome little package that is Sutton!

I took his 4 month photos this morning, but had to use the opposite side of the porch swing due to the sun. I've decided I want all his monthly photos the same, so I'm going to retake them when the sun moves. Today is also Sutton's 4 month birthday...he was born exactly 8 months after we found out about him.

I'll never forget that day. As many of you know...our journey to have a baby had been long and difficult. After all that had happened, we'd been cleared to begin trying to get pregnant in September 2009, but my doctor didn't put me on Femara (similar to Clomid) yet. I really thought I was pregnant that September. The night before I was getting ready to take a pregnancy test, I started my cycle.

I was devastated.

But, trying to look on the bright side, this meant that for this new cycle, we'd be starting Femara. Since the fertility drug had worked so well for us the first time, I had high hopes.

The morning of October 24, 2009, Adam and I were at the studio doing a couple things for my work. I was debating about whether or not I should take a pregnancy test, as I thought it might still be too early to tell. We'd driven separately to the studio, so Adam left while I finished up a few things. On my way home, I stopped by Jiffy Lube to get the oil in my Jeep changed, and they totally tried to rip me off. So I ended up having the guy call Adam and he spoke with him on my cell phone. I still ended up spending more than I should've. :)

The oil guy was also a "photographer" and so I had to talk with him about that forEVER because he saw the photo equipment in my Jeep.

Finally, they finished and I was able to go home. I posted the rest of the story of that day back in December when we announced our pregnancy, and you can read about it by clicking here.

Needless to say, the test I took that day was positive, and I was so excited and terrified at the same time.

One year later...and we have the best 4 month old baby boy that we could ask for. God is good!

My Story

Since it's National Infertility Week, and since I've never wrote out our whole story in one concise blog post, I thought I'd share that all with you today, even though most of you have followed along with our journey. After our miscarriage, I really hoped that our story could somehow be used to help and encourage others because, if not, then what else could've been the purpose of us going through that? So here it is.
 

Adam and I decided in 2007 that we would start our family in 2008. We planned it down to the month. I kept my wedding photography schedule pretty open for spring 2009 so that when our baby was born, I'd be able to take some time off. Adam was going to be on summer break soon after the baby would be born. It was going to be perfect.

May 2008. Our first month off birth control. Oh, the nerves and excitement. At that point, I didn't know much about cycles or any of that, so we just kinda guessed.

June came. I was late.

July came. Still no sign of the "monthly gift."

The pregnancy tests were all negative.

I went on vacation with my parents to Colorado without Adam. They didn't know we were trying. We wanted it to be a giant surprise.

Soon after we got back, there she was. That stupid gift. Dang.

Okay, well, that was our first try. Let's keep at it. This is supposed to be the fun part, right?

August.

September.

October.

November.

December.

I finally went for my yearly checkup in December and talked to my doctor about what was going on. They decided to do some bloodwork. The day after Christmas I had some blood drawn and the tests came back showing low progesterone levels, meaning I didn't ovulate that month. They wanted to make sure it wasn't just a random occurence and that this was happening regularly. So they did nothing.

January.

Another blood test showed the same thing.

We finally told our parents what we were going through. I needed more support to get through this...I'd never been through anything so difficult. I was sad that it would no longer be a surprise, but at least we had their prayers.

For my February/March cycle, they finally put me on Clomid to try to get me to ovulate.

I did...and we got pregnant. April 1st, 2009, I finally got my positive pregnancy test. What a day that was.

I had a sonogram at the end of April and it showed that the baby was measuring very small. They also noticed an abnormality in the shape of my uterus, but didn't really address that issue, just mentioned it in passing.

May 25th, 2009...we lost our baby.

After several doctor's appointments that weren't helpful, we were finally referred to a specialist because of the uterus abnormality I mentioned earlier. After an MRI and several sonograms, it was determined that I would need surgery to correct the abnormality (which was a septum, making my uterus heart-shaped), or else I would most likely miscarry again.

June.

July.

My surgery was July 18, 2009, and it went well. Afterwards, I had a sonogram to check the healing and outcome of the surgery. It wasn't as good as expected - they hadn't completely removed the septum. But the specialist was positive and said that he thought our chances of carrying a full-term baby were high. He wanted to wait for a regular cycle to happen on it's own.

August.

September.

I finally had a regular cycle at the end of September and was put back on a fertility drug similar to Clomid to make me ovulate again.

October 2009 was a good, good month. We got our second positive pregnancy test.

I'm now 31 weeks pregnant with a strong, healthy little boy, and we are anxiously awaiting his arrival. Our planning and timing definitely didn't work out as we hoped, but I'm sure that after he's here, we won't be able to imagine life without this particular little boy. I'm also thankful for the time we had without kids, just Adam and I. We've had 4 years of wedded bliss and I wouldn't trade that.

Two years after we first began trying, we will finally have our baby. I'm so grateful for this blessing and I think the road we traveled to get to this point has made me so much more in awe of the miracle of life.

Bittersweet

Today is a bit of a milestone in two ways:


We found out one year ago today that we were expecting a baby!

After almost a year of trying, I finally got my positive pregnancy test. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I got up very early with Adam to take the test before he went to work. He was in the shower and I came in the bathroom after 3 minutes to see the results. The test was very faint, but there were definitely two lines. I'd never had a positive pregnancy test before, so I didn't know what that meant. I googled it. Most info said "a positive's a positive," but it seemed too good to be true! I had a super busy day at work - two photo shoots among other things, so that kept me busy and able to not tell anyone. I spent $40 on pregnancy tests that night, took them all the next morning, and when they showed up positive, I finally told a couple people that next day. I carried that baby for two months and am missing her so much today!


Today's the first day of my THIRD trimester!

I can't believe we made it here. This is the last stage before we get to meet the little guy. I can't believe how close it's getting. Wow. I'll be doing my 27 week update tonight or tomorrow, so check back later for that. :)

Details

I thought I'd share a few details of our journey the past couple months since you all have read about what we went through, including the surgery and all that, and since you've been praying for us. Which I can't thank you enough for. Thanks.

After the surgery in July, we were waiting for me to have a regular cycle on my own. That didn't happen. So the doctor put me on meds to jumpstart a cycle. He said we were free to get pregnant that cycle, but he wasn't going to put me on Clomid or Femara (the drugs that helped us get pregnant last time) until I had a cycle of my own.

I temped and charted and all that, and I was pretty sure I ovulated on my own (which was a miracle in itself!) so I was really excited to take a pregnancy test. I remember it clearly...it was a Tuesday night and I couldn't wait to go to bed so I could wake up the next morning and take the test before Adam went to work. I thought - how cool would it be to, after all this, get pregnant on our own without any help?

Well...I woke up at 2 am Wednesday morning to use the bathroom, and...I'd started my period.

That was a hard day.

But the upside was that since I'd started a cycle on my own, I knew we could start taking Femara. And I did. And we got pregnant in the first month! Woohoo!

I tested on October 24, which was 3 days before I should've. I didn't expect a positive. I didn't feel pregnant. I took the test on a whim because I was so tired of waiting. I'd been storing up my pee all day (sorry if that's TMI), and I'd been gone, so when I got home, Adam was out in the shop.

I went in the bathroom, and took a pink dye test. The line showed up super dark. This early?! That was my first thought. I wasn't supposed to test til Tuesday, and it was Saturday.

I FREAKED out.

I ran out to the shop, threw open the door and said, "I'm pregnant."

Adam's response? "No, you're not..." but a smile crept across his face.

"I'm gonna go take another test." I slammed the door.

I went inside and took a digital test. Almost immediately it showed up: Pregnant.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I ran back out to the shop with my two tests as evidence. As I held them out to show Adam, my hand was shaking. He held me as I cried.

Best. Moment. Ever.

That night we went out to celebrate. We saw the movie Where the Wild Things Are at the Old Town Warren. I was distracted.

Since then, we've had 4 sonograms. One at 6 weeks, where we saw a tiny blob and heard the heartbeat - 113bpm, it must've just started beating.

At 7 weeks, I began spotting. I was terrified. This is how everything started last time. When we lost the baby. My friend Rachael from KC was staying with me, and after 4 days of spotting, I finally couldn't take it, so I called my doctor. Rachael and I went in for a sonogram one morning when I was about 7 weeks 4 days. I saw the heartbeat immediately, and was SO relieved. 167 bpm. Adam called in the middle of the sono and Rachael talked to him. She said he sounded like a burden had been lifted off his shoulders.

We went back a week later for a regularly scheduled sono (they did more of them early on because of my history). Heartbeat was 167bpm again. And we saw a defined head, and little nubs for the arms and legs. Adam started calling the baby Nubs.

That was our last appointment with the specialist. I got a new OB (thanks Ginger!) since the miscarriage hadn't been handled appropriately with my last OB. My first appointment was on December 8th, my due date with my first baby. Bittersweet. Another strange coincidence...on December 8th, I was 10.5 weeks along with this baby, which is exactly how far along I'd been when we lost the first one. At this appointment, I got a surprise FREE sono from the amazing Dr. Kauffman, and while it was sad that I was alone at the appointment, it was AMAZING. The heartbeat was steady and strong at 176bpm, and the baby was moving everywhere. The arms and legs were much more than nubs, and we got a photo of a perfect footprint.

It made my year. And that's saying something. :)

Since then, I've bought an at-home doppler so I can hear the baby's heartbeat whenever I want. It was 168bpm tonight and beautiful sounding.

I know this was long, but I thought I'd give you the full account while I was at it. After all, that's what this blog was intended for in the first place. I'm so thankful to be able to use it again for that purpose!

Thankful

I've recently started visiting some forums about dealing with the loss of a baby, trying to conceive after miscarrying, etc.

I am SO thankful that my miscarriage was natural and I didn't have to have a D&C. Everything with me happened so fast, and for that I am so grateful. If this had to happen to me, I'm glad it happened the way it did.

That's all. Have a good night. :)

Another Week

Another week down, another week closer to fall and summer being over. I'm so ready for this summer to be over...it's been too hard.

Last Saturday, Melinda, Val, and I went over to Audra's house to bead. Beading is something we've all gotten into lately and we have our little bead boxes and we all share our stuff with each other at beading parties. Fun! This is a necklace Audra was working on.

The concentration required for beading is enormous, as demonstrated here by Audra.

This girl is serious about beading. Melinda missed our first beading party, but at the second one, she got really into it and is now probably the most advanced at jewelry making out of all of us. She has a bag the size of my camera bag just for her beads and supplies. Crazy girl.

And Val looking cute and excited!

After a long morning of beading, we headed to Applebee's for lunch. If you know me, you know Mexi-Ranch is my favorite food. Even though it's a sauce. I hadn't had any in a long time, and though it wasn't really on my diet, I couldn't resist. The waitress even gave me some to take home! Here are Audra and Melinda.

Melinda's glass had some nasty white spots on the inside. Gross.

Val and I.

Then on Sunday, I went to my grandparents house in Newton for lunch. We were celebrating my Grandpa getting better (he'd been having a lot of health issues, but is doing good now!), and my mom's birthday. It's a big birthday for her this year, and I won't say how old she's turning, but it's like half a century! :) Here's my mom with my grandparents dog, Patty.

Patty was loving all the attention.

My Grandma Netta and Patty.

My Grandpa Rollie, and my cousins Hannah and Rachel. Rachel (not to be confused with my friend Rachael) is an aspiring photographer! She had her camera out to take photos of Patty too.

I thought this was cute of Patty sitting under the tree.

And I hadn't shared any pictures of my dogs lately, so I took some this morning. They're a little blurry because I didn't have much light, but I just hate flashes, so deal with it. :) Here's my little man, Diesel. His head is blurry because I was talking to him so he would look at the camera, and he kept tilting his head to try to understand what I was saying. He's so cute.

Diesel looks like a vampire dog in this one. To explain, we had Diesel first, and he's a little older than Axl. So he thinks he needs to mother Axl. He cleans his hears for him, and here he was biting at Axl's ears to clean them real good. :) I heart them.

Axl's such a happy dog.

 Me and the big guy. Pardon the lack of makeup. It's Saturday morning... :) We just got back from a walk at Sedgwick County Park. It was fun, but its hard to walk two dogs on leashes who have to stop and sniff EVERYTHING. Plus, Diesel's been having some trouble with his paws, I think we finally figured out that it's from running around at Adam's parents' house during the days because their backyard is covered in acorns. I left them at our house a few days this week, and his paws seemed to be doing better, but then after our walk today, they're all red again. Poor guy.

Adam's gone all day at a fly-in in Pittsburgh. We'd thought about going camping this weekend for the holiday, but then he found out about this fly-in, and I booked a wedding for Sunday. So no dice. I have a day full of reading, movie-watching, nail painting, and general relaxation planned. Should be nice.

Update on other things...I'd like to make an addition to that 828 post I wrote last week. While I most definitely believe everything I said, and I try to cling to that, it still doesn't make dealing with all this a ton easier. I have faith that God has a purpose, but it's still so hard to deal with these feelings of anger/pain/sadness/despair/heartbreak. And the longer things take, the harder it's getting to understand. Honestly, I thought we'd be pregnant again at this point. Things have just taken so much longer than I wanted or thought they would. I can't believe we miscarried in May, and it's now September and we're still not there. Our baby would've been here in a few months.

I hate to say this, and I don't know how to change it, but I feel like I'm turning into a much more negative person as a result of all this. I almost get angry around people who are happy, who have everything they ever dreamed of. I just don't want to be around them. I don't know what to do with that.

When I remember to keep our end goal in sight, that helps. Knowing that most likely in the next year, we'll have a baby...that really does help. But it's the times when I start thinking about what all we've been through, about how much I'm working lately, about what I don't yet have...ugh. Just so frustrating.

Update

The appointment yesterday didn't go as well as expected. Our doctor told us before my surgery that there was a 10% chance that they wouldn't remove the entire septum during the first surgery and I'd need a second surgery. He said it was better to remove to little than too much, so they err on the side of caution.

I still have some of the septum left. They made a very significant dent in it...he showed us before and after pictures, and you could see a huge difference, but there's still a definite something there to make it not quite shaped right.

What do we do now?

Well, there are two options. I could go in and have another surgery so that they would get it all and I wouldn't have to worry about it. Or, we can try to get pregnant now and see what happens. Since they did remove so much of the septum, my chances of miscarrying are much lower. My doctor said he would recommend not having the second surgery, and to start trying now.

I was already leaning that way, but I asked him about percentages. He explained it this way. If you take 100 women, there's a 20% of miscarrying if you're completely normal. So we're down to 80 women. Of those 80 women, if they all have a septum and have the surgery to fix it, and it gets fixed completely, 94-98% of them will carry a full-term baby. Since my septum isn't completely gone, I have a 92-96% chance of carrying a full-term baby. So my chances aren't a ton different, but there's still that 2-6%. Which is disheartening.

I want to give a special thanks to my mom. Adam couldn't go with me yesterday and the procedure they did was pretty painful. So I'm really really glad she could come with me to hold my hand. Thanks, Mom. I appreciate your comments of how brave I was being, but I know you would've done the same as long as you kept the end result in mind.

So I guess I'm "healed." At least as healed as can be for now. We'll see what happens.

Sono & X-Ray

Tomorrow I will be having a sonogram and x-ray done to make sure that everything has healed properly and that the surgery did what it was supposed to. I'm excited because this is the last step, and then we're done with all this. I'm praying that everything looks normal because then I can stop focusing on that part, and can move on. Unfortunately, Adam can't go with me since he's back to school, but my amazing mom is coming. I'll be sure to update this when I get a chance.

Tonight we're off to the Sexi Sushi Club with friends at Kwan Court! Should be fun!

Today's Appointment

Kind of an anti-climactic appointment today. Which is good! Dr. Tjaden basically just wanted to know if I had any questions and I only had a few. I will be starting another round of Provera in a couple days to induce my next cycle. After that cycle, I'll have a sonogram and x-ray to make sure the surgery was thorough enough in removing the septum. If everything looks good, we'll wait for my next cycle to start, and then we're good to go. Which I pretty much knew vaguely, but now we have a little more of a time frame for things.

Thanks to everyone who was praying for us today. I'm feeling very optimistic lately, and God can be the only reason for that. :)

Surgery Update

I went in for surgery yesterday at 1:00pm, and the process went very smoothly. I was checked in, changed, given an IV, and don't remember much after that. The doctor told Adam that things went perfectly, and we went home about 4:00pm that same day. I slept the majority of that evening and til late this morning. I'm on 4 prescriptions, but am pretty pain free, and am only taking the minimum dose of pain meds. We go in for our post-op appointment on August 4th, and I'm looking forward to that for an update.

Thanks for your prayers! 

Surgery

My surgery has been rescheduled for this Thursday afternoon at 2 pm. I've never had surgery before, so I'm a little nervous and would appreciate your prayers! Thanks for the comments and emails about the last post, it's good to know we have friends out there supporting and praying for us!

Hope

Hello everyone! Our trip last week to Yellowstone was awesome. We drove a total of 2600 miles and saw lots of amazing stuff. I will be blogging some of the many photos we took...this week sometime, hopefully. :) I will probably post them on my photo blog, so check back there soon!

I am trying (and I think succeeding!), to turn a corner. I will never forget our first baby. He or she is so much a part of me and who I am now.

BUT, Adam and I are now trying to focus on having another baby. And I think I'm ready to begin sharing about that journey.

When I had my first sonogram when I was 7 weeks pregnant, the tech asked if I'd ever had a sonogram before (I hadn't), and said that it looked like I had something called a bicornuate uterus. She knew we'd been trying for awhile to get pregnant, and said that she wasn't sure if this condition could be a cause of our infertility. Since I was pregnant, I didn't think about it too much at the time, I figured it didn't matter now.

After we miscarried at 10.5 weeks, they did a couple of sonograms to make sure everything passed. I was lucky, and everything was passed naturally, so I didn't have to have any kind of procedure. But while they were looking around, I asked about that condition that had been mentioned back at 7 weeks. This tech said she could see that I did in fact have a misshapen uterus, and that it could've potentially caused the miscarriage.

To give you a little background, I didn't have a good experience with my doctors, both before I was pregnant, and then again after I miscarried. When we were trying to get pregnant, it took lots of prompting and many months to get them to help me figure out what was wrong. I left countless messages asking questions, and my calls were usually returned by someone who couldn't answer my questions. The weekend I miscarried, I was on the phone several times with my doctor while I was bleeding, and she was very caring and helpful. But after the fact, I saw a PA who didn't even know what I was there for, much less that I'd had a miscarriage 2 days before. I always had to ask the questions...they never took the initiative to give me the information and to help me to know what to do with it.

So after I miscarried and had the sonograms, I asked my doctor about the uterus abnormality. She said there was no way to know if it caused this, or if it was just a normal miscarriage. We left the doctors office. No guidance as to what to do next. So I made another appointment to talk to someone to get some help. That was the appointment with the PA who wasn't informed. After I went over our whole story again and explained everything to her, she said that I'd need to have an MRI to get a better idea of how severe the problem with my uterus was. We scheduled that for the beginning of June.

First off, I'm super claustrophobic. So having and MRI wasn't at the top of my "Fun Things to Do" list. But the lady who performed the MRI was very nice and also sensitive to our situation. The other "fun" thing was that she made me hold my breath for 18 seconds 3 times. I can't hold my breath for more than like 5 seconds, so I think I cheated, but hopefully she couldn't tell. :)

We didn't hear back from my doctor with the results. I was going in to their office (as I did once a week the whole month of June) to have blood drawn to make sure my pregnancy hormone levels were still decreasing like they should, so I called before I went in to see if I could talk to someone about my MRI results. They told me to ask for a nurse while I was having blood drawn. I did, and they sent me to a waiting room. A person from medical records (not a nurse) came in and started asking questions to try to understand what I was wanting. Once she finally figured out that all I wanted was my MRI results, she said that they had them on file, and asked if I just wanted the info so that I could interpret them myself. Really? I was baffled and confused that she would ask me that, so I said umm...yes, I'll take the results, but can you also have a nurse talk to me to explain them? She said the nurse on staff was busy, she'll call you sometime this week. Great.

I got a call from the nurse later that day. She informed me that I didn't have a bicornuate uterus, I have a septated uterus. I had no idea what that meant, and she wasn't able to give me any more information. And, my doctor was out of town that week. More waiting. Meanwhile, Adam did a bunch of research on the internet and found out that this was potentially a better diagnosis than having a bicornuate uterus. We were tentatively hopeful, but it's a little hard to put the hope of having a family in the hands of the internet.

When doctor came back, she called and answered a few of my questions. She said that I would need to see a specialist at this point - it was beyond what they deal with, and I had more questions she couldn't answer. They set up an appointment for me with a specialist at the end of June.

We saw the specialist, and had a 180 degree difference in our experience with him. Dr. Tjaden was very informative, concerned, and helpful. He not only fully explained what my condition was, but told me what he'd want me to do if I was his daughter. We also did a sonogram that day so that he could see a better picture of my uterus since the MRI tech wasn't a specialist in getting pictures of a uterus. Here's the gist of what he found:

My uterus has a septum, or piece of skin, that divides it into two sides. The septum doesn't go all the way down, but almost. If I get pregnant, and the baby implants itself on the septum, the blood supply isn't good enough for it to survive. If the baby implants itself anywhere else, like on the walls of my uterus, then I could potentially carry the baby full term. There is a surgery that can be done to remove the septum, and after the surgery and healing, I would have a completely normal shaped uterus, and my chances of carrying a baby full term are just as good as anyone else's. He said that if I was his daughter, he would recommend the surgery, since not having it could potentially mean more miscarriages. During the sonogram, he also looked at my ovaries. He found that I have a very mild case of PCOS which is why I wasn't ovulating and wasn't able to get pregnant for so long. This is good news and bad. Bad because most likely, I won't ever ovulate on my own without the help of medicine. Good because now we know why I wasn't ovulating, and also because that means that the doctor will give us the medicine to make me ovulate right away when we start trying again, instead of making us try several months without it.

Adam and I decided to go ahead with the surgery. It is scheduled for this Friday, the 17th, but I am working on getting it moved since I have to photograph a wedding the next day (which is not something I can cancel or reschedule, obviously). The surgery is minimally invasive and I will go home the same day. The doctor said that it usually takes about 3-4 days of recovery before most women go back to work.

After the surgery, it will take about 2 months for me to heal, and then we can begin trying to get pregnant again! The appointment with Dr. Tjaden gave me so much hope. And so much relief. Between the minor surgery and taking Clomid (the medicine to make me ovulate), we should be able to conceive again very soon! I am so joyful and optimistic about this, especially since we conceived our first little one on our very first month of Clomid. 

It's hard that we still have to wait a few months, because this is something that was already in my grasp, and then I lost it. I already had a baby, and I just want it back. But, I have to trust that God's timing will be even more perfect this time, and that these next few months will go by very fast.

There was a season in my life that I wasn't sure I ever wanted kids. I didn't babysit much as a teenager, and I am just not very good with children. Back then, I remember having a fleeting thought: "How horrible would it be if one day I completely change my mind, decide that I DO want kids, and then find out that I can't have them?" This past year, with everything that's happened, I kept going back to that thought and wondering how ironic it was that it ended up being true.

But now, I can dispel that evil thought and KNOW that the Lord knows my heart, He loves me, and He conquers all! Too bad I had to have proof, too bad I couldn't just believe and trust in Him to work a miracle in me. I pray that He will strengthen my trust and dependence in Him more with each day. I pray that when we do get pregnant with our next little one, that that miracle will awake in me a stronger and more powerful love for my Savior. It's all in His hands, and He has blessed us!

I found a few verses on a blog of another couple who has dealt with trying to get pregnant:

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this. "  Psalm 37:3-5

And how amazing that the Bible even speaks of our exact situation!

"Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, "So shall your offspring be." Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead - since he was about a hundred years old - and that Sarah's womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being full persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised."  Romans 4:18-22