We Had a Baby...Here's What I Think About It

I have half of a second of quiet here, so I thought I'd write something a little more touchy-feely than I have lately.

As I'm learning more and more every day, time is so darn fleeting and there's not a thing I can do to slow it down. My little Ren is already 3 months old (I took lots of cute photos for his 3 month post, but my computer is currently being repaired so we'll have to wait until I can get it back before I can post them...this post is coming to you from Adam's laptop), and I feel like I was pregnant just 2 seconds ago. I know that I will forget so many of the feelings, thoughts, epiphanies that I had during this time in my life, and I wanted to record this one so I could remember.

My brain fails me yet again (birthing children seems to have the same effect on the mind as doing drugs...not that I would know, but I would assume), and I can't remember how much I shared about our decision to have a second kiddo. So if some of this is repetitive, forgive me.

Daddy, Mommy, and Sutton. We were the best three-some that ever was. We loved US. Having just one kid allows you so much more flexibility than having more, and we knew that. We could cater to his every need without a second thought. Give him undivided attention. And that one kid was amazing. Sutton was so smart for his age. He was funny. Thoughtful. Sweet. He sure loved his momma. And I loved him.

The thought of another kid scared the you-know-what out of me.

The common questions were there: how could I ever love another kid as much as I loved Sutton? How would I be able to divide my time between two children when I already felt like Sutton took up every second? How will Sutton deal with not being our one-and-only anymore?

But there were other things about the thought of having another kid that I hadn't heard my friends deal with: I can't bear the thought of Sutton not getting ALL of the attention anymore. Since a newborn would be so dependent on me for nursing, I know that I'd have to constantly be with the baby...does that mean it would be a separation - Daddy and Sutton doing their own thing, while I'm stuck at home with this baby?

And then of course, there were the guilty feelings: why should I even be questioning or thinking about this so much when I should really be trusting it all to God's plan for our family? What if I can't even get pregnant again since we had so much trouble the first time? Why do I seem so ungrateful for the possibility of having another child when so many people I know struggle with infertility?

Several people asked us, or made comments about us waiting so long to have another kid. All of the above is why...though I still don't think a 3 1/2 year gap is that long. We always said from the get-go that we'd probably spread our kids out a little more than most. And the more time that passed, the harder it was to make the decision to have another one.

So last spring, the conversation began. Sutton was almost 3 years old. We wanted our kids to be close enough in age to be able to play together, and we were probably pushing that window if we waited much longer. In my head, it all made sense, but that doesn't mean I was ready.

Long story short, the decision was made to try for another baby. Even though my heart didn't feel ready to love another kid...my head said it was time. And Adam. Adam said it was time. :)

Then we found out my brother and his wife were expecting. That made me question things even more. I didn't want to take any of the spotlight away from them and their new addition. But through lots more discussion, Adam and I decided we needed to base our family decisions on OUR family and not on anybody else's.

Green light.

I saw my doctor, took all the necessary steps we needed to take (i.e., got on Femara again). And just like that, the first month, I was pregnant.

Getting the positive pregnancy test wasn't the same as it was with Sutton. Sutton had been prayed for, longed for, wanted...for so, so long. So many years and tears and heartache went into getting pregnant with that little boy. This time, I was still hesitant. Still unsure that a life with two kids was something I wanted. So when that faint second line showed up, I wasn't unhappy, but I was cautiously, nervously excited.

Don't get me wrong...the second I found out I was pregnant, I began to cherish that little life inside me. After going through infertility and through losing one baby, I don't think I have it in me to ever be sad about a pregnancy. It was just...different.

Then when I started bleeding during that first trimester and thought I was losing this baby too, God really showed me just how much I cared about this baby. I prayed and prayed during that time, pleading with God. I would do anything as long as He didn't take this baby from me.

And He didn't.

Fast forward to the ninth month. I'm huge, I'm uncomfortable, I'm ready for this baby to get here. But I'm still not ready to have two kids. I'm still scared that Adam is going to spend most of his time with Sutton, and I'll be stuck at home with this baby. They'll be going out and doing fun things. I'll be sitting around on the couch, missing out. But the uncomfortableness of pregnancy trumped those feelings, and I just wanted the baby OUT.

And then he came out.

And it wasn't just some random, anonymous he. It was Ren. MY Ren.

You see, that was one thing that I'd never thought about in all the time I thought about this second kid. He was always just a vague thought...some baby I didn't really know, didn't have a connection to, who didn't really have a defined face in my thoughts. But that's not the baby I had. The baby I had was Ren. And he was MY little boy. And I was done. It was over. I couldn't imagine our life without him.

If I'm being honest, there was a slight disappointment during that 18-week sonogram when I found out we were having another boy. While I felt more prepared to be a mom of a boy, I knew I'd never have the experience of being a mom to a girl. 

Gone. All of that nonsense. Gone.

The moment I met him...he had my heart forever. And every day, that love grows. I can't imagine anyone else completing our family, and the little dude barely even has a personality yet! Ha! I know he is everything we could've ever dreamed of or hoped for and all those months of worry, anxiety, and stress about if we made the right decision are gone.

Sutton doesn't get all of the attention anymore. And he causes me more stress than the baby, honestly. (The constant questions, often questions that don't even make sense...can really wear a person down.) But holy cow, is he the best big brother.

Sutton takes such good care of Ren, and just learns from us how to help in every situation. He knows when to give Ren his pacifier. He asks me to put pillows on the side of the bed so Ren doesn't roll off (doesn't matter to him that Ren can't even roll yet). He helps me change diapers by standing next to the changing table to make sure Ren doesn't cry. And if he does cry, you'd better believe that you'll be hearing "It's okay, Ren!" about 20 times in the next 20 seconds.

You see, when I was thinking about the things that would be lessened by another baby coming into our family, I couldn't even fathom the things that would be added: Sutton taking on the big brother role with flying colors, getting to love on a baby once again, seeing Adam connecting in the way only a daddy can to another little boy, experiencing life as a complete family. This is us. We are Daddy, Mommy, Sutton, and Ren. And I couldn't want anything more.


(Just to throw a little "real life" in there...I got frustrated about 27 times this morning with Sutton already and had to get up 4 times during the night to feed a baby. So it's not all roses and sunshine. But it IS pretty freaking awesome.)