Five Years Ago

Five years ago today, we lost our first baby.

In ways, it seems like just yesterday...I remember that feeling of raw, gut-wrenching pain at the thought that the baby we'd prayed for was gone. There will always be a little hole in my heart for that baby. A piece of me is forever with that little life we lost.

But I look at how far we've come since then. I look at my two precious boys and rejoice in how much we've been blessed with. We will meet that baby one day in heaven!

We Had a Baby...Here's What I Think About It

I have half of a second of quiet here, so I thought I'd write something a little more touchy-feely than I have lately.

As I'm learning more and more every day, time is so darn fleeting and there's not a thing I can do to slow it down. My little Ren is already 3 months old (I took lots of cute photos for his 3 month post, but my computer is currently being repaired so we'll have to wait until I can get it back before I can post them...this post is coming to you from Adam's laptop), and I feel like I was pregnant just 2 seconds ago. I know that I will forget so many of the feelings, thoughts, epiphanies that I had during this time in my life, and I wanted to record this one so I could remember.

My brain fails me yet again (birthing children seems to have the same effect on the mind as doing drugs...not that I would know, but I would assume), and I can't remember how much I shared about our decision to have a second kiddo. So if some of this is repetitive, forgive me.

Daddy, Mommy, and Sutton. We were the best three-some that ever was. We loved US. Having just one kid allows you so much more flexibility than having more, and we knew that. We could cater to his every need without a second thought. Give him undivided attention. And that one kid was amazing. Sutton was so smart for his age. He was funny. Thoughtful. Sweet. He sure loved his momma. And I loved him.

The thought of another kid scared the you-know-what out of me.

The common questions were there: how could I ever love another kid as much as I loved Sutton? How would I be able to divide my time between two children when I already felt like Sutton took up every second? How will Sutton deal with not being our one-and-only anymore?

But there were other things about the thought of having another kid that I hadn't heard my friends deal with: I can't bear the thought of Sutton not getting ALL of the attention anymore. Since a newborn would be so dependent on me for nursing, I know that I'd have to constantly be with the baby...does that mean it would be a separation - Daddy and Sutton doing their own thing, while I'm stuck at home with this baby?

And then of course, there were the guilty feelings: why should I even be questioning or thinking about this so much when I should really be trusting it all to God's plan for our family? What if I can't even get pregnant again since we had so much trouble the first time? Why do I seem so ungrateful for the possibility of having another child when so many people I know struggle with infertility?

Several people asked us, or made comments about us waiting so long to have another kid. All of the above is why...though I still don't think a 3 1/2 year gap is that long. We always said from the get-go that we'd probably spread our kids out a little more than most. And the more time that passed, the harder it was to make the decision to have another one.

So last spring, the conversation began. Sutton was almost 3 years old. We wanted our kids to be close enough in age to be able to play together, and we were probably pushing that window if we waited much longer. In my head, it all made sense, but that doesn't mean I was ready.

Long story short, the decision was made to try for another baby. Even though my heart didn't feel ready to love another kid...my head said it was time. And Adam. Adam said it was time. :)

Then we found out my brother and his wife were expecting. That made me question things even more. I didn't want to take any of the spotlight away from them and their new addition. But through lots more discussion, Adam and I decided we needed to base our family decisions on OUR family and not on anybody else's.

Green light.

I saw my doctor, took all the necessary steps we needed to take (i.e., got on Femara again). And just like that, the first month, I was pregnant.

Getting the positive pregnancy test wasn't the same as it was with Sutton. Sutton had been prayed for, longed for, wanted...for so, so long. So many years and tears and heartache went into getting pregnant with that little boy. This time, I was still hesitant. Still unsure that a life with two kids was something I wanted. So when that faint second line showed up, I wasn't unhappy, but I was cautiously, nervously excited.

Don't get me wrong...the second I found out I was pregnant, I began to cherish that little life inside me. After going through infertility and through losing one baby, I don't think I have it in me to ever be sad about a pregnancy. It was just...different.

Then when I started bleeding during that first trimester and thought I was losing this baby too, God really showed me just how much I cared about this baby. I prayed and prayed during that time, pleading with God. I would do anything as long as He didn't take this baby from me.

And He didn't.

Fast forward to the ninth month. I'm huge, I'm uncomfortable, I'm ready for this baby to get here. But I'm still not ready to have two kids. I'm still scared that Adam is going to spend most of his time with Sutton, and I'll be stuck at home with this baby. They'll be going out and doing fun things. I'll be sitting around on the couch, missing out. But the uncomfortableness of pregnancy trumped those feelings, and I just wanted the baby OUT.

And then he came out.

And it wasn't just some random, anonymous he. It was Ren. MY Ren.

You see, that was one thing that I'd never thought about in all the time I thought about this second kid. He was always just a vague thought...some baby I didn't really know, didn't have a connection to, who didn't really have a defined face in my thoughts. But that's not the baby I had. The baby I had was Ren. And he was MY little boy. And I was done. It was over. I couldn't imagine our life without him.

If I'm being honest, there was a slight disappointment during that 18-week sonogram when I found out we were having another boy. While I felt more prepared to be a mom of a boy, I knew I'd never have the experience of being a mom to a girl. 

Gone. All of that nonsense. Gone.

The moment I met him...he had my heart forever. And every day, that love grows. I can't imagine anyone else completing our family, and the little dude barely even has a personality yet! Ha! I know he is everything we could've ever dreamed of or hoped for and all those months of worry, anxiety, and stress about if we made the right decision are gone.

Sutton doesn't get all of the attention anymore. And he causes me more stress than the baby, honestly. (The constant questions, often questions that don't even make sense...can really wear a person down.) But holy cow, is he the best big brother.

Sutton takes such good care of Ren, and just learns from us how to help in every situation. He knows when to give Ren his pacifier. He asks me to put pillows on the side of the bed so Ren doesn't roll off (doesn't matter to him that Ren can't even roll yet). He helps me change diapers by standing next to the changing table to make sure Ren doesn't cry. And if he does cry, you'd better believe that you'll be hearing "It's okay, Ren!" about 20 times in the next 20 seconds.

You see, when I was thinking about the things that would be lessened by another baby coming into our family, I couldn't even fathom the things that would be added: Sutton taking on the big brother role with flying colors, getting to love on a baby once again, seeing Adam connecting in the way only a daddy can to another little boy, experiencing life as a complete family. This is us. We are Daddy, Mommy, Sutton, and Ren. And I couldn't want anything more.


(Just to throw a little "real life" in there...I got frustrated about 27 times this morning with Sutton already and had to get up 4 times during the night to feed a baby. So it's not all roses and sunshine. But it IS pretty freaking awesome.)

4 Years...

I'm heading out of town tonight for work, so I'm posting this a day early.

Four years ago tomorrow, we lost our first baby. 

I can't believe it's been that long!

It's still so hard to think about her (I just had a feeling it was a girl...), but the constant sorrow I used to feel every day has been replaced by the knowledge that I will one day meet her in heaven. I feel sad for what could've been, the sweet face I never got to see, and the life I missed out on knowing here on earth.

But at the same time...on this day I can't help but feel so incredibly grateful for that little boy I get to call my son.

God's timing is always perfect, and we will see the big picture in the end.

Today, I miss that little baby.

But I look at Sutton's face and am in awe of how blessed we are and what a miracle he is! 

Memories {One Year Later}

I just got an email from my mom, and in it, she said that the moment I called her to tell her we'd lost the baby is frozen in time for her. It made me think about how I have several memories from that day that I will never forget as well.

-It was Memorial Day...we actually lost the baby during the night before, we were in the ER til after 1 am.

-I remember the contractions I had for two hours before we finally went to the ER.

-I remember the sonogram we had in the ER. The sono tech didn't say anything, but I could tell from what I saw on the screen that the baby wasn't there.

-I remember sitting in hospital bed in the ER, waiting for what seemed like forever for the doctor to come officially tell us we'd lost the baby, and I thought I was over the shock. I stared at the floral wallpaper thinking "I can get through this, it happens to people all the time."

-Adam was so quiet, and I kept trying to figure out what he could possibly be feeling and thinking. We just couldn't talk.

-I remember waking up the next day...it all came flooding back, and I collapsed on the floor of our bedroom. It just seemed like it had to be a bad dream.

-I remember posting on this blog and facebook that we'd lost the baby and hoping most people would find out that way so I didn't have to tell them.

-Adam was home since it was a holiday and I told him that I couldn't just stay at home and think about it, so we drove out to Lake Afton with our dogs. I sat on a blanket in the sun with my puppies while Adam flew some of his RC planes.

-It was while sitting there at the lake that I called my mom. I figured she knew already, but could tell by the tone of her voice when she answered that she didn't. 

-After the lake, we still needed to be doing something, so we went to the theater and saw Angels & Demons. It was a good 2-hour distraction.

-I remember the outpouring of love and condolences that we received from family and friends. Flowers, cards, emails, notes...it was really amazing.

Today hasn't been so bad. I've been busy, and I had a doctor's appointment this morning where I found out we get to have a sonogram on Tuesday. I've gotten several texts, emails, cards, and messages from you all and I appreciate them so much. It makes such a difference to have a support system to lean on through the hard times, and I'm so grateful for all of you.

One Year

One year ago tomorrow, we lost our little baby.

Going through the miscarriage and then surviving life afterwards has been one of the defining experiences of my life. I took the whole thing very, very hard.

I feel like miscarriages affect people differently...some people see it as a common thing that happens and not that big of a deal.

To me...my baby had passed away.

It didn't just feel that way. It was, it is that way.

This little life that I'd learned to love above my own, this helpless little baby of mine had died before I ever had the chance to show her that love.

It's still very, very hard. Hard to think about. Hard to deal with. Hard to know what to say in memory of that little life. Whenever I think of her, I keep going back to the line from that song I blogged about here:

"I will carry you, while your heart beats here....
I will carry you, all my life.
I will praise the One who's chosen me to carry you."

 

I will never "get over" our loss, and I'm so looking forward to the day that I will get to meet that little baby in heaven. I will always wonder what she looked like, what her personality would've been, what kind of life she would've had. All she'll ever know is Heaven, and that's an amazing thing to take comfort in.

My devotional today was about waiting for God's timing. He doesn't let us in on his timing beforehand because, most likely, we wouldn't be able to deal with that knowledge. I know God had His hand in this...His perfect plan.

But I will always grieve our loss...May 25th will always be a hard day. Even so, I feel so blessed for everything we've been given. And I feel so, so blessed to know that I will one day get to meet our first little baby in Heaven!

My Story

Since it's National Infertility Week, and since I've never wrote out our whole story in one concise blog post, I thought I'd share that all with you today, even though most of you have followed along with our journey. After our miscarriage, I really hoped that our story could somehow be used to help and encourage others because, if not, then what else could've been the purpose of us going through that? So here it is.
 

Adam and I decided in 2007 that we would start our family in 2008. We planned it down to the month. I kept my wedding photography schedule pretty open for spring 2009 so that when our baby was born, I'd be able to take some time off. Adam was going to be on summer break soon after the baby would be born. It was going to be perfect.

May 2008. Our first month off birth control. Oh, the nerves and excitement. At that point, I didn't know much about cycles or any of that, so we just kinda guessed.

June came. I was late.

July came. Still no sign of the "monthly gift."

The pregnancy tests were all negative.

I went on vacation with my parents to Colorado without Adam. They didn't know we were trying. We wanted it to be a giant surprise.

Soon after we got back, there she was. That stupid gift. Dang.

Okay, well, that was our first try. Let's keep at it. This is supposed to be the fun part, right?

August.

September.

October.

November.

December.

I finally went for my yearly checkup in December and talked to my doctor about what was going on. They decided to do some bloodwork. The day after Christmas I had some blood drawn and the tests came back showing low progesterone levels, meaning I didn't ovulate that month. They wanted to make sure it wasn't just a random occurence and that this was happening regularly. So they did nothing.

January.

Another blood test showed the same thing.

We finally told our parents what we were going through. I needed more support to get through this...I'd never been through anything so difficult. I was sad that it would no longer be a surprise, but at least we had their prayers.

For my February/March cycle, they finally put me on Clomid to try to get me to ovulate.

I did...and we got pregnant. April 1st, 2009, I finally got my positive pregnancy test. What a day that was.

I had a sonogram at the end of April and it showed that the baby was measuring very small. They also noticed an abnormality in the shape of my uterus, but didn't really address that issue, just mentioned it in passing.

May 25th, 2009...we lost our baby.

After several doctor's appointments that weren't helpful, we were finally referred to a specialist because of the uterus abnormality I mentioned earlier. After an MRI and several sonograms, it was determined that I would need surgery to correct the abnormality (which was a septum, making my uterus heart-shaped), or else I would most likely miscarry again.

June.

July.

My surgery was July 18, 2009, and it went well. Afterwards, I had a sonogram to check the healing and outcome of the surgery. It wasn't as good as expected - they hadn't completely removed the septum. But the specialist was positive and said that he thought our chances of carrying a full-term baby were high. He wanted to wait for a regular cycle to happen on it's own.

August.

September.

I finally had a regular cycle at the end of September and was put back on a fertility drug similar to Clomid to make me ovulate again.

October 2009 was a good, good month. We got our second positive pregnancy test.

I'm now 31 weeks pregnant with a strong, healthy little boy, and we are anxiously awaiting his arrival. Our planning and timing definitely didn't work out as we hoped, but I'm sure that after he's here, we won't be able to imagine life without this particular little boy. I'm also thankful for the time we had without kids, just Adam and I. We've had 4 years of wedded bliss and I wouldn't trade that.

Two years after we first began trying, we will finally have our baby. I'm so grateful for this blessing and I think the road we traveled to get to this point has made me so much more in awe of the miracle of life.

Two Songs

There are two songs that have meant so much to me lately, and I thought I'd share them, in case they could help anyone else.

The first one is called "Your Hands" by JJ Heller. I may have posted about this song before, I can't remember, but it's amazing. Just thinking back to all those feelings I was having after the miscarriage and then when we were trying to get pregnant again. Trying to make sense of everything. The words to this are so powerful.

It was also inspirational during the time my mom was having her bout with lymphoma. I didn't blog much about that because she didn't want a lot of attention, but it was scary. It helps to remember that through everything, Heaven stands.

The second song is "Hold My Heart" by Tenth Avenue North. Wow. I have a strong reaction when I hear this song. Early on during this pregnancy, you may remember that I spotted for a few days. I was so scared. I finally insisted on a sonogram to check on the baby, and on the way there, Rachael played this song for me. It was hard and good to hear all at the same time, and she had to hold my hand as I drove to the doctor's office through the tears.

Bittersweet

Today is a bit of a milestone in two ways:


We found out one year ago today that we were expecting a baby!

After almost a year of trying, I finally got my positive pregnancy test. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I got up very early with Adam to take the test before he went to work. He was in the shower and I came in the bathroom after 3 minutes to see the results. The test was very faint, but there were definitely two lines. I'd never had a positive pregnancy test before, so I didn't know what that meant. I googled it. Most info said "a positive's a positive," but it seemed too good to be true! I had a super busy day at work - two photo shoots among other things, so that kept me busy and able to not tell anyone. I spent $40 on pregnancy tests that night, took them all the next morning, and when they showed up positive, I finally told a couple people that next day. I carried that baby for two months and am missing her so much today!


Today's the first day of my THIRD trimester!

I can't believe we made it here. This is the last stage before we get to meet the little guy. I can't believe how close it's getting. Wow. I'll be doing my 27 week update tonight or tomorrow, so check back later for that. :)

Today

I had a bit of a hard time today.

I decided to finally clean out the nursery. It'd kind of become a junk room. We had unpacked boxes in there from when we moved a year and a half ago. It was a place I'd thrown items that were to be "dealt with later."

I came across the stuffed bear my mother-in-law gave me to help comfort my empty arms after our miscarriage. The cards from people during that time who were praying for us. The sonogram picture of our first baby.

I lost it.

There are so many strong emotions still associated with our loss. Sadness that I have a baby I never got to meet. Happiness that I'll one day meet her in heaven. Guilt at being so happy about the new baby and not thinking about the first one as often as I should.

It's good to cry. It's good to remember. But thinking over the past eight months, all we've been through, the hurdles we've faced... I'm so thankful. Jesus is our Redeemer. The Giver of Life, of Hope.

Then I read this great devotional tonight.

From Streams in the Desert:

Is there ever really any reason to be downcast? Actually, there are two reasons, but only two. If we were still unbelievers, we would have a reason to be downcast; or if we have been converted but continue to live in sin, we are downcast as a consequence.

Except for these two conditions, there is never a reason to be downcast, for everything else may be brought to God "by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving" (Phil. 4:6)...

...Our work is to lay our petitions before the Lord, and in childlike simplicity to pour out our hearts before him, saying, "I do not deserve that You should hear me and answer my requests, but for the sake of my precious Lord Jesus; for his sake, answer my prayer. And give me grace to wait patiently until it pleases You to grant my petition. For I believe You will do it in Your own time and way."

"For I will yet praise him" (Ps. 43:5). More prayer, more exercising of our faith, and more patient waiting leads to blessings - abundant blessings. I have found it to be true many hundreds of times, and therefore I continually say to myself, "Put your hope in God."

Thanks

Wanted to say thanks to all of you who messaged, facebooked, commented, and prayed for us on Tuesday. It meant a lot to have so many thinking of us and lifting us up in prayer.

The day wasn't quite as hard as I thought it would be. The anticipation was worse. I had a good thing happen that I will share about in another post. I took the day off work, had lunch with Lindsey at Panera (they have new and amazing macaroni and cheese), and just chilled. The new Harry Potter movie came out on DVD that day, so I rented it, watched about half, and went to bed early.

Thanks again for thinking of us and being such a blessing in our lives!

Due

I miss you little one. Today, more than ever.

Love, Mom

Texas

This weekend, Adam and I drove to Texas. There was a fly-in in Dallas yesterday and I went along just to get away, since my due date is Tuesday. I wanted to make it a long weekend and not come back til Tuesday, but we unfortunately (fortunately) have jobs and other responsibilities we had to come home to. I only took one picture. Sad.

We left Friday evening after Adam was finished with school and drove 5 hours to Dallas to our hotel. Yesterday morning we slept in a little and had Texas-shaped waffles at the hotel. Should've gotten a picture of that. Then we drove over to the park where Adam's flying deal was, and he surprised a couple of his friends who didn't know he was coming. We'd brought along Adam's dad's GPS, so Adam gave me some money (which NEVER happens, thanks babe!) and I set off to go shopping. I found a gigantic mall in Grapevine. To give you an idea, their Forever 21 store was like the size of 1/2 a Dick's Sporting Goods. All the stores were super-sized. I spent way too long in Charlotte Russe (but got some really cute stuff!) and ran out of time since it was lunch. Adam wanted food and I was going to meet my friend Ginger (different Ginger from the one I work with) who lives in Ft. Worth for lunch.

Ginger has been really supportive through everything that happened this year. She and I met in May at the Kelly Moore photo conference thing we went to. We had a group of 8 photographers there, and they were all super cool. Facebook has allowed us to keep in touch, and when I made a comment on my status that we were coming to Texas, we made plans to have lunch. Ginger's been through a lot of the same stuff I have. We're both photographers, we both had miscarriages this spring. It was nice to talk to someone who's been through it and isn't afraid of stepping on your toes by saying the wrong thing. We ate way too many breadsticks and way too much salad at Olive Garden before saying goodbye. She even brought me some Christmas candy she made. Here's the one picture from the weekend, Ginger and I leaving the restaurant:


I went back to the park where Adam was around 2pm and read Harry Potter (I'm on the last book!) and took a nap in the car. Then we loaded up around 4 and headed home. Stopped in Oklahoma for pizza, yum, and got home around 10:30. It was a quick trip, but fun and well worth it. This morning we slept in and went out to breakfast at Jimmy's Egg. We've also already had a nap. I love weekends.

Glory Baby

Our little one would've been here in a month. As my due date approaches, it's hard not to struggle with feelings of how unfair it all is. I was supposed to be a mom on December 8. My baby would've been here in such a short time.

But I have to remember how much better off she is right now.

I first heard this song at Cora's funeral, and it was so touching. I was reminded of it today in one of my devotionals and thought I'd share it.

"Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…"

-"Glory Baby" by Watermark

Remembering

Today, October 15, has been set aside as a special day. A day to remember babies that were lost, whether that was before they were born or after.

The forums I've been reading with other ladies who've experienced what I've gone through have been talking about this day all week. Many of them plan on lighting a candle "virtually" around 7pm this evening to remember the babies they've lost. I may not participate (mostly because I have a session tonight that will interfere), but I've been doing a lot of remembering today.

My little 10 and a half week baby. Technically, she would've been older than that, almost 12 weeks. At my first sonogram, when I was supposed to be 9 weeks along, my little one was measuring small so they pushed me back to 7 weeks. Such a short little life, such an impact on mine.

I've been thinking a lot today about that little life. How my belly would've been huge and round by now. How I would've been anxiously awaiting her arrival in about two months. I have to stop myself. That wasn't God's plan. His plan was to have her with Him. She was just too perfect for life on Earth...He wanted her in Heaven with Him.

I miss that baby so much...I think about her all the time. But I'm learning to have more trust. I'm trying to be good at being a faithful servant even in this storm. I'm trying not to be the type who only praises Jesus when things are going good.

To quote the verse I quoted on here when I announced my pregnancy, because it's still truth:

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

-Jeremiah 29:11

Thoughtful

This week, I received an awesome package in the mail from Jess. It was wrapped up so cute...I just had to take a photo.

Axl had to check it out to make sure it was suitable for me to open. Maybe I should put him to use as a bomb-sniffer...? He's already been fired from keeping the squirrels away at Adam's parents house...we'll keep searching for a use for him.

Jess and I have been emailing back and forth, she's been so helpful and supportive throughout these months since we lost the baby. I'm always amazed at how thoughtful she is, in spite of her own grief. I'm sure she doesn't want any recognition for this :) but I couldn't resist. She sent me a sweet note:

And two devotionals that have been helpful for her since Cora went to be with Jesus. The one on the left is specifically for people dealing with loss, and I'm excited to continue reading it.

Thanks so much Jess!

A verse from this morning's chapter:

"He shot his arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: the unfailing love of the Lord never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction."

-Lamentations 3:13, 19-22

Journal

I'm not a big journaler, but before I had this blog, while Adam and I were trying to get pregnant, I decided to write a letter to our baby, who we hadn't even conceived yet.

Four pages of my dreams and hopes and prayers.

I came across that letter last night. As well as the letter I wrote to our baby the day I found out I was pregnant. And the letter I wrote to our baby the day I began bleeding...and another written the day we lost her.

I can't even put into words what that made me feel like. I'm glad I put those feelings on paper, but it was almost too much to go back through and read them. Like cutting open an old wound.

Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to post those letters here.

Hard Day

Your love, oh Lord

Reaches to the heavens

Your faithfulness stretches to the sky

Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains

Your justice flows like the ocean's tide

I will lift my voice

To worship You, my King

I will find my strength

In the shadow of your wings.

"Your Love Oh Lord" by Third Day.

Thankful

I've recently started visiting some forums about dealing with the loss of a baby, trying to conceive after miscarrying, etc.

I am SO thankful that my miscarriage was natural and I didn't have to have a D&C. Everything with me happened so fast, and for that I am so grateful. If this had to happen to me, I'm glad it happened the way it did.

That's all. Have a good night. :)

Oh, People

So I've had some frustrating comments lately. Comments like:

"Oh, so you're the one who's pregnant, right?"

and

"Wanted to make sure you're not planning on getting pregnant any time soon, so you'll be able to for sure shoot our wedding."

It's hard because obviously, these people don't know our whole situation, and obviously they're not trying to be hurtful. But how am I supposed to respond? Do I plaster a smile on my face and respond "Nope," or laugh and say "Of course not"? Do I launch into the whole explanation? Should I just break down and start crying and hope they get the hint...? :) 

It just seems like one of those lose-lose situations, a socially uncomfortable and unavoidable moment.

Hmph. Oh, people.

Out of Nowhere

I was just catching up on all my blog-reading for the day and I had a weird, awesome moment. I just thought about how, when I die and go to heaven, I'm going to have a little baby there waiting for me, waiting to meet her mom (I say her...I think she was a girl).  My heart did a little jump! It will hopefully still be awhile before that happens, but I can't wait! :)