I had a bit of a hard time today.
I decided to finally clean out the nursery. It'd kind of become a junk room. We had unpacked boxes in there from when we moved a year and a half ago. It was a place I'd thrown items that were to be "dealt with later."
I came across the stuffed bear my mother-in-law gave me to help comfort my empty arms after our miscarriage. The cards from people during that time who were praying for us. The sonogram picture of our first baby.
I lost it.
There are so many strong emotions still associated with our loss. Sadness that I have a baby I never got to meet. Happiness that I'll one day meet her in heaven. Guilt at being so happy about the new baby and not thinking about the first one as often as I should.
It's good to cry. It's good to remember. But thinking over the past eight months, all we've been through, the hurdles we've faced... I'm so thankful. Jesus is our Redeemer. The Giver of Life, of Hope.
Then I read this great devotional tonight.
I decided to finally clean out the nursery. It'd kind of become a junk room. We had unpacked boxes in there from when we moved a year and a half ago. It was a place I'd thrown items that were to be "dealt with later."
I came across the stuffed bear my mother-in-law gave me to help comfort my empty arms after our miscarriage. The cards from people during that time who were praying for us. The sonogram picture of our first baby.
I lost it.
There are so many strong emotions still associated with our loss. Sadness that I have a baby I never got to meet. Happiness that I'll one day meet her in heaven. Guilt at being so happy about the new baby and not thinking about the first one as often as I should.
It's good to cry. It's good to remember. But thinking over the past eight months, all we've been through, the hurdles we've faced... I'm so thankful. Jesus is our Redeemer. The Giver of Life, of Hope.
Then I read this great devotional tonight.
From Streams in the Desert:
Is there ever really any reason to be downcast? Actually, there are two reasons, but only two. If we were still unbelievers, we would have a reason to be downcast; or if we have been converted but continue to live in sin, we are downcast as a consequence.
Except for these two conditions, there is never a reason to be downcast, for everything else may be brought to God "by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving" (Phil. 4:6)...
...Our work is to lay our petitions before the Lord, and in childlike simplicity to pour out our hearts before him, saying, "I do not deserve that You should hear me and answer my requests, but for the sake of my precious Lord Jesus; for his sake, answer my prayer. And give me grace to wait patiently until it pleases You to grant my petition. For I believe You will do it in Your own time and way."
"For I will yet praise him" (Ps. 43:5). More prayer, more exercising of our faith, and more patient waiting leads to blessings - abundant blessings. I have found it to be true many hundreds of times, and therefore I continually say to myself, "Put your hope in God."
Except for these two conditions, there is never a reason to be downcast, for everything else may be brought to God "by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving" (Phil. 4:6)...
...Our work is to lay our petitions before the Lord, and in childlike simplicity to pour out our hearts before him, saying, "I do not deserve that You should hear me and answer my requests, but for the sake of my precious Lord Jesus; for his sake, answer my prayer. And give me grace to wait patiently until it pleases You to grant my petition. For I believe You will do it in Your own time and way."
"For I will yet praise him" (Ps. 43:5). More prayer, more exercising of our faith, and more patient waiting leads to blessings - abundant blessings. I have found it to be true many hundreds of times, and therefore I continually say to myself, "Put your hope in God."
I love you, Gina. I'm sorry today was a hard day. Your sweet baby will never be forgotten. Never. I know if she could, she would tell you that she wants you to be joyful. She would be excited about her little brother! :) It's completely okay to grieve... I just want you to know that how you've chosen joy and celebration has really been encouraging - it's a testimony to God's faithfulness and how He makes us able to overcome. Feel how you need to feel each day, but I'm with you - so so so thankful for all God has done in your lives. He is so good. :)
ReplyDeleteI too am sorry it was a hard day. You are already a great mommy. And your baby will never be forgotten. Your blog has been inspirational to me on so many levels, I love your openness and honesty about all you are dealing with in your life---the joys and the sorrows. We will continue to rejoice with you in this new chapter of your life, but will always remember the journey of sorrow you have already been on. This blog is such a testament of that!
ReplyDeleteThanks Ginger and Michele. That means a lot. And it's strange...Ginger your comment about how we can overcome. I think back to how absolutely devastated I was when we lost the baby. And now, while it's still very hard, I never thought I'd be able to be so joyful again, feel so happy again. What would I do without His help? :) Michele - I feel honored to be called "inspirational." THANKS! I'm so glad!
ReplyDeleteI have been there Gina, 13 years ago now. There are still many times that I think of my baby that I never got to meet either but I know the Lord was with me every step of the way then and He still is now as I go through another devastating time with the loss of my mother.
ReplyDeleteWith my mom's passing last month I find comfort in that maybe my baby needed a Grandma now in heaven. So my mom is now getting to be with my sweet child, a very special grandchild. They are comforting and enjoying each other in a place of no pain or sadness.
You are so special Gina and we love you all so much. My girls are so excited to see you and your tummy on Sunday. Bring some new
ultra sound pictures if you have them.
Love ya
Clif, Susan, Rachel, Hannah and Faith Funk