Here's the photo we took a few days after we found out we were pregnant. I'll never be this skinny again. Sad. It'll be worth it.
I debated on whether or not to even talk about this, but I decided it'd be good therapy, if nothing else. And maybe it can give someone else hope.
We had a really rough 2008. We started trying to get pregnant around the end of May last year. We had it all planned out: I didn't book any weddings for spring 2009 so that I could stay home with the baby. We were planning a March 09 due date. Well, it didn't happen that first month. It was tough, but I know these things take a little while sometimes. Plus, if it happened the next month, the baby would come just in time for Adam to get out of school and be home with us. It didn't happen the next month. It didn't happen for 10 months.
Those were the hardest months I've ever gone through. It's such a difficult feeling to handle...wanting something with all that's in you, and having no control over it happening. I would go through phases of being horribly sad and just needing to cry it out, then I'd get mad...why was God doing this to us? What had we done to not deserve a baby? And then the next day, feeling sorry for myself...God's right, we don't deserve a baby.
Adam was amazing through it all. He knew when to console me, when to just hold me. He even wrote me a letter last summer from our (non-existent) baby's point of view. It was eye-opening and awesome. The jist of it was that the baby would come at the perfect time, and I shouldn't be wasting these months being so sad when God had the perfect timing all planned out.
So I decided to write a letter to our baby. My thought was that someday, when our child is older and can appreciate it, I'd show him or her this letter and they would truly see just how much they were wanted, needed, and loved. It was so hard to write that letter. I had no idea if I would ever become pregnant, I just knew that I needed to get those feelings down on paper.
An added hardship was that we didn't tell many people what we were going through. Including our parents. I wanted to surprise them with the baby news when it finally did happen, and I wanted that so much that I didn't want them to know we were trying at all. Friends would make comments about having kids, and I would shut down. I'd hear about other friends becoming pregnant, and I'd cry all night. I felt selfish that I couldn't be happy for them, and I'd feel angry that this wasn't happening for us, and I'd feel sad that I may never have a baby of my own. We ended up sharing this with our parents about a month before we got pregnant.
I finally went to the doctor for a regular checkup in December. I talked to her about what was going on, and they started a series of blood tests that took several months. To make a long story short, and without getting too icky, I wasn't ovulating. My doctor put me on a drug to remedy that, and the first month on the drug, we were successful! I can't even begin to tell you how happy we were.
We took the first pregnancy test early the morning of April 1. The second line was almost not there, so at first I thought it was negative. I'd had my share of those, so while it was nothing new, it sucked really really bad. But after waiting a little longer, I saw a super faint 2nd line. I had only one more test, so I took it. Only one line. What does that mean? We decided to wait til the next day to let the hormones increase, if that was the case, and I spent $35 on pregnancy tests that night. The next morning I took another one, and it was the same thing. A faint second line. So I took a digital test, and da da da dum, it said Pregnant. We didn't know what to do. We'd spent so many months being disappointed by pregnancy tests, and now to have a positive one? Adam left for work that day with a big smile on his face, and I was left in a state of disbelief. Was this real? Was it finally happening for us?
It took a few days to sink in and we told both of our parents that weekend. Mine came over one evening, and when they walked in, we had our dogs dressed in t-shirts that announced the news. I'll post pictures of that later. To tell Adam's parents, we went over to their house to visit one evening, and Adam interrupted his mom in the middle of a sentence with "Gina's pregnant." Funny. We've had so much fun telling people, and it's awesome how excited everyone is for us.
This blessing has come at the perfect time, for many reasons. God knew what He was doing all along. Though I didn't think it was possible, I'm thankful that I was given those difficult months of not being able to conceive. I can't imagine being more grateful for this awesome gift. I feel that I can appreciate it more, knowing what it was like to be without it for so long. I also know that many people go through a much longer time of trying, so I'm grateful that it was only 10 months, even though it seemed like an eternity.
So there's a little of my heart. We had quite the journey getting here and can't wait to share the rest of it with you!
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
-Jeremiah 29:11
