We Had a Baby...Here's What I Think About It

I have half of a second of quiet here, so I thought I'd write something a little more touchy-feely than I have lately.

As I'm learning more and more every day, time is so darn fleeting and there's not a thing I can do to slow it down. My little Ren is already 3 months old (I took lots of cute photos for his 3 month post, but my computer is currently being repaired so we'll have to wait until I can get it back before I can post them...this post is coming to you from Adam's laptop), and I feel like I was pregnant just 2 seconds ago. I know that I will forget so many of the feelings, thoughts, epiphanies that I had during this time in my life, and I wanted to record this one so I could remember.

My brain fails me yet again (birthing children seems to have the same effect on the mind as doing drugs...not that I would know, but I would assume), and I can't remember how much I shared about our decision to have a second kiddo. So if some of this is repetitive, forgive me.

Daddy, Mommy, and Sutton. We were the best three-some that ever was. We loved US. Having just one kid allows you so much more flexibility than having more, and we knew that. We could cater to his every need without a second thought. Give him undivided attention. And that one kid was amazing. Sutton was so smart for his age. He was funny. Thoughtful. Sweet. He sure loved his momma. And I loved him.

The thought of another kid scared the you-know-what out of me.

The common questions were there: how could I ever love another kid as much as I loved Sutton? How would I be able to divide my time between two children when I already felt like Sutton took up every second? How will Sutton deal with not being our one-and-only anymore?

But there were other things about the thought of having another kid that I hadn't heard my friends deal with: I can't bear the thought of Sutton not getting ALL of the attention anymore. Since a newborn would be so dependent on me for nursing, I know that I'd have to constantly be with the baby...does that mean it would be a separation - Daddy and Sutton doing their own thing, while I'm stuck at home with this baby?

And then of course, there were the guilty feelings: why should I even be questioning or thinking about this so much when I should really be trusting it all to God's plan for our family? What if I can't even get pregnant again since we had so much trouble the first time? Why do I seem so ungrateful for the possibility of having another child when so many people I know struggle with infertility?

Several people asked us, or made comments about us waiting so long to have another kid. All of the above is why...though I still don't think a 3 1/2 year gap is that long. We always said from the get-go that we'd probably spread our kids out a little more than most. And the more time that passed, the harder it was to make the decision to have another one.

So last spring, the conversation began. Sutton was almost 3 years old. We wanted our kids to be close enough in age to be able to play together, and we were probably pushing that window if we waited much longer. In my head, it all made sense, but that doesn't mean I was ready.

Long story short, the decision was made to try for another baby. Even though my heart didn't feel ready to love another kid...my head said it was time. And Adam. Adam said it was time. :)

Then we found out my brother and his wife were expecting. That made me question things even more. I didn't want to take any of the spotlight away from them and their new addition. But through lots more discussion, Adam and I decided we needed to base our family decisions on OUR family and not on anybody else's.

Green light.

I saw my doctor, took all the necessary steps we needed to take (i.e., got on Femara again). And just like that, the first month, I was pregnant.

Getting the positive pregnancy test wasn't the same as it was with Sutton. Sutton had been prayed for, longed for, wanted...for so, so long. So many years and tears and heartache went into getting pregnant with that little boy. This time, I was still hesitant. Still unsure that a life with two kids was something I wanted. So when that faint second line showed up, I wasn't unhappy, but I was cautiously, nervously excited.

Don't get me wrong...the second I found out I was pregnant, I began to cherish that little life inside me. After going through infertility and through losing one baby, I don't think I have it in me to ever be sad about a pregnancy. It was just...different.

Then when I started bleeding during that first trimester and thought I was losing this baby too, God really showed me just how much I cared about this baby. I prayed and prayed during that time, pleading with God. I would do anything as long as He didn't take this baby from me.

And He didn't.

Fast forward to the ninth month. I'm huge, I'm uncomfortable, I'm ready for this baby to get here. But I'm still not ready to have two kids. I'm still scared that Adam is going to spend most of his time with Sutton, and I'll be stuck at home with this baby. They'll be going out and doing fun things. I'll be sitting around on the couch, missing out. But the uncomfortableness of pregnancy trumped those feelings, and I just wanted the baby OUT.

And then he came out.

And it wasn't just some random, anonymous he. It was Ren. MY Ren.

You see, that was one thing that I'd never thought about in all the time I thought about this second kid. He was always just a vague thought...some baby I didn't really know, didn't have a connection to, who didn't really have a defined face in my thoughts. But that's not the baby I had. The baby I had was Ren. And he was MY little boy. And I was done. It was over. I couldn't imagine our life without him.

If I'm being honest, there was a slight disappointment during that 18-week sonogram when I found out we were having another boy. While I felt more prepared to be a mom of a boy, I knew I'd never have the experience of being a mom to a girl. 

Gone. All of that nonsense. Gone.

The moment I met him...he had my heart forever. And every day, that love grows. I can't imagine anyone else completing our family, and the little dude barely even has a personality yet! Ha! I know he is everything we could've ever dreamed of or hoped for and all those months of worry, anxiety, and stress about if we made the right decision are gone.

Sutton doesn't get all of the attention anymore. And he causes me more stress than the baby, honestly. (The constant questions, often questions that don't even make sense...can really wear a person down.) But holy cow, is he the best big brother.

Sutton takes such good care of Ren, and just learns from us how to help in every situation. He knows when to give Ren his pacifier. He asks me to put pillows on the side of the bed so Ren doesn't roll off (doesn't matter to him that Ren can't even roll yet). He helps me change diapers by standing next to the changing table to make sure Ren doesn't cry. And if he does cry, you'd better believe that you'll be hearing "It's okay, Ren!" about 20 times in the next 20 seconds.

You see, when I was thinking about the things that would be lessened by another baby coming into our family, I couldn't even fathom the things that would be added: Sutton taking on the big brother role with flying colors, getting to love on a baby once again, seeing Adam connecting in the way only a daddy can to another little boy, experiencing life as a complete family. This is us. We are Daddy, Mommy, Sutton, and Ren. And I couldn't want anything more.


(Just to throw a little "real life" in there...I got frustrated about 27 times this morning with Sutton already and had to get up 4 times during the night to feed a baby. So it's not all roses and sunshine. But it IS pretty freaking awesome.)

February

Which brings us to February. Here are our pre-Ren happenings. Sutton being a weirdo:

We made snow ice cream. I think I did it wrong, but I wasn't a fan.

Our niece Bailey turned 16. Ren didn't decide to share a birthday with her. Here's Bailey with Adam's mom, her grandma.

And with her cousins and her little bro.

My niece Aubrynn gave me a pedicure since I had a hard time reaching my toes.

I posted this of my brother Michael and I for a Throwback Thursday.

We used a gift card to go eat at Granite City one evening. Sutton was being a weirdo again. :)

This was from when we did Sutton's last photo shoot as an only child out in my studio. He needed to get some crazy out after all that posing.

Sutton is really into running lately and is all about marathons. But he calls them "maratons." If this sparkly headband is on, that means he's running a maraton.

Brought some snow inside one day to play.

I had coffee with my friend Jaclyn one morning before I had Ren and before she moved to DC.

Playing in the snow.

Doing puzzles before Storytime at the library one day.

Lining up for Storytime.

I went to Sutton's preschool for his Valentine's Day party. It was pretty cute to see him interact with his friends. When he saw me get there, he ran over to me, bear-hugged my legs and said "I love you! I love you MORE!" So glad he's not embarrassed of me in front of his peers yet. :)

The day we got the Captain America shield. He's obsessed with Captain America.

One day I left Diesel out in the cold for 30 minutes and he was mad. So he curled up in my bed and didn't move for a very long time.

Comparing 38 weeks pregnant with Sutton (left) and Ren (right) in the same dress. Ren definitely made me fatter.:)

Car wash!

He's seen me lay down while I'm taking a bath, so he had to try it but couldn't figure out how to not get water in his ears.

Being cute with Daddy.

Diesel gave us a scare. He was super restless one night and when we got up in the morning, his muzzle or whatever the nose area is called, was all swollen. You can't really tell in this photo. I gave him cortisone and benadryl and changed his food and it got better.

Playing in the last little bit of snow in the front yard.

One of our last outings as a family of three was to go see the Lego Movie in the theater.

One night we went mall-walking to try to induce labor. It didn't work. We also grabbed dinner at the food court.

In trying to soak up my one-on-one time with this guy, I took him out to lunch at Cinnamon's Deli after school one day.

We had a really nice February with warm temps and took advantage by hanging out on the porch.

Two days later we had Ren! I haven't even begun to post the hundreds of phone photos of him, we'll see if I get around to that next. :)

January

In efforts to play catch-up with my blog, here are my phone photos from January! :)

Lego night:

We took Sutton to the theater at the end of Christmas break to see Frozen. We all loved it.

Smartie pants using the cooler to climb up and get his Airborne. Don't worry, it has a childproof lid.

The chalkboard art that Sutton and I drew for the new year.

One evening, Adam and Sutton were cleaning the house while my very-pregnant self rested with the puppy.

Sutton helping me with a baby-room project.

Adam helping with another baby-room project.

Hanging the frames Sutton and I painted in the baby's room.

The start of the painting I did in Ren's room.

Trees finished.

Added the birds and it's done! I will hopefully take some good photos of what we did in Ren's nursery some day, but there are still boxes and bags of maternity clothes and kid clothes in there I need to deal with.

                         

Teaching Sutton about staring contests at IHOP one evening.



Teaching Sutton about planking.

I had a newborn shoot in my studio and got some crazy pregnancy hot flashes. So after they left, I sat out on my porch in 34 degrees in a sundress to cool off.

Play-dough.

Being cute.

My dad got a new (to him) convertible and gave me a ride one Sunday afternoon. Matching hats required.

Meanwhile, Sutton hung out with Grandma.

Chilling in his bedroom.

So close to being buddies...

Loving his donut-covered face before preschool one morning.

Having fun with a box.

Adam took a video of Sutton dancing one evening, and this was a still shot from it. Lol.

After living in our house for 5 years, I finally hung something on our bedroom walls. I plan to add more photos soon.

You may remember that when I was pregnant, I had terrible heartburn. Sutton loved to help out by getting me my medicine (Tums) and putting it in my mouth for me.

Hanging out with Daddy.

One of my projects for the baby room.

We went to see Disney's Jake and the Neverland Pirates show live at the Intrust Bank Arena because Sutton loves that show. Princess Sophia was also there for the girls, and our nieces dressed up in their princess dresses.

Getting excited for the show to start.

Sutton even brought his Jake sword along and got to hold it up during parts of the show.

We loved the show!

Matt, Rachael, and Rowan were all in town the weekend of my baby shower, so we went to the park the next day since it was pretty nice. We got super close to the peacock!

Inside the rainforest:

Sutton and Rowan posing with the lion.

Rowan wasn't feeling well that weekend, and she fell asleep while we were walking around and her mama was holding her.

Had to get a photo with the bestie!

Since we don't have TV but I still love watching the Bachelor, our friends Kurt and Faith graciously allowed us to come over several Monday nights to watch. The boys loved playing together.

I picked Sutton up from school one day and we went to eat lunch and do a bunch of errands. He kept complaining about being tired and couldn't hold his head up at lunch and didn't eat much either. We got home and I realized he had a fever and I felt terrible for making him go on all those errands! He was better by the next day, so nothing too serious.

Diesel sleeping with his tongue out gets me every time.

Grandma Nancy came over one afternoon and played in Sutton's "hotel."

And read him a story before his nap.

Sutton cuddling with my belly.

One cold and icy day that Daddy was gone, we had a lunch date in our jammies at Cinnamon's Deli.

Then we found a parking lot that was iced over so we could "ice skate."

It was pretty nasty out there:

My sister-in-law Jessica had a Favorite Things birthday party. Each person brought four of the same thing, something they really loved (I brought Sharpie pens and Milky Way Midnights). Then you exchanged your favorite things with four other people and got to bring home some really awesome stuff. I got this wonderful natural cleaner that smells like grapefruit and I love it!