But...there always seems to be a "but" these days...it's a little sad for me too. Adam and I are photographing their Colorado wedding, and I have imagined their day in my head so many times. I love photographing weddings. Getting to take part in a couple's special day is so fun and humbling and wonderful. This wedding was (and is) going to be extra special because it's my brother. I imagined it so many times...me running around in my black work outfit, trying to be everywhere at once, trying to document every moment for them while tearing up because I'm so happy that it's their big day...with a belly that was starting to grow. It probably sounds weird, but ever since I found out I was pregnant, I pictured my brother's wedding on June 27th as being the point in my pregnancy where I'd just be starting to show. I worried about stealing some of their thunder because I hadn't seen them since I broke the news, but then I knew they wouldn't care about that, they'd just be happy for us. When I told Michael on the phone that he was going to be an uncle, he was so excited. He couldn't believe it. He had thought that our baby days were still a long ways away. It was so fun to have such a great reaction from him! I couldn't wait to see him in person and share all the new exciting stuff that was going on for both of us.
I had thought of a lot of milestones when we were pregnant, that won't be realized now. My mom had her first baby (Michael) when she was 23. I thought that seemed like the perfect age to have a baby, and so that was my goal. Nine months from when we first started trying to get pregnant, I would've still been 23. When last August came around, I knew it was my last month to conceive if I was still going to be 23 when I delivered. That didn't happen, and I was really sad, but I thought, 24 is pretty close to 23, so it's okay. When we finally did get pregnant, I was excited that I'd be 24 when I had my first baby! It seems like such a trivial thing, but it meant a lot to me. That's how my mom did it, that's how I wanted to do it. Most likely now, I won't still be 24 when and if we have our baby.
Adam and I talked a lot about how crazy it was that we were going to be parents before 2010, before Christmas. It seemed so surreal. My baby was supposed to be just 7 months younger than my friend Ginger's baby. Just a year younger than my friends Audra and Sage's babies. Everyone was going to play together, grow up together, and have so much fun because they were all so close in age. My baby was going to be born in December, which is a slow month for weddings, and since I'm a wedding photographer, it was perfect, and I was going to take the whole month off for maternity leave. We even had day care already set up for when I went back to work in January.
I have new realizations about things like this every day. And every day, it's like a ton of bricks got dumped on me once again. I know I couldn't have done anything differently to prevent how things happened, but it makes me feel so helpless. I don't rationally think that this outcome could be better for anyone, so why did it happen this way? I know in my heart that there's a bigger purpose, but my head just thinks that this baby made so much sense. What doesn't make sense is that he or she is gone.
I hate to admit this, but I've found that praying is hard. It's not that I don't trust God, it's not that I'm turning away from Him. It just reminds me of what happened more than anything. My baby is with Him. I'll be having a good day, remembering what happened, but not dwelling on it, and then when I stop to pray, all the questions come back. Why did this happen? What is the purpose? Did my baby have any pain? Will we be able to have another child? And since it's so painful to think about these things, I keep going and don't stop to pray. I know that's not the answer, so I'll keep fighting this uphill battle. Right after we lost the baby, Adam's mom sent me a list of verses to read that she thought would help. This is one that I go back to, to remind myself that I can only find true peace with Him.
"Rejoice in the LORD always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The LORD is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Phillipians 4:4-7
Again, I want to thank you all for your prayers, support, messages, emails, and comments on my blog. Even if I don't respond, I read everything and appreciate each one. It's hard sometimes to find the right thing to reply with. But know that it helps tremendously to know that you all aren't forgetting either, because I know I never will.
I know what you mean, my baby too was going to be the perfect age, everything was planned! I too had a hard time praying. It's just hard. I would love to get to know you, I know I could use some friends. Maybe somtime we could get together with Ginger =)
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