Recently the Gina left with the Baby for the weekend, giving me and the redhead the chance to man it up, and have the greatest adventure ever recorded in human language, next to the time I helped Chuck Norris fight off a pack of Soviet communist pirate ninja wolves.
The weekend started Friday evening. The second the wife and child left the house we burped and farted a few times along with some general grunting to get things in the right mood. Then we loaded up in the car to hit the town.
Our first stop was to purchase a new set of aeronautical miniature recreations of two of the most famous airplanes, Dusty and Skipper. I know what you are thinking, "Skipper, the Corsair, is pretty manly, but Dusty is just a crop duster that wishes he was a racer, and that's not manly at all". Well friend, I say to you, bahhhhh. Uno, Dusty is manly by association with Skipper. Two, I feel you are misunderstanding what a crop duster does. You are probably thinking that they walk around with a feather duster and make sure the corn is clean. Come on, learn your farm lingo people. Crop dusters are some of the manliest of planes, flying at high speeds inches off the ground (lots of inches, that would form feet and yards, but that doesn't sound as good), dodging trees and telephone wires that could instantly decapitate, all to make a living to put food on their table for their snotty kid who thinks they dust corn for a living. That's manly. Here is a picture of the two newly acquired models in front of two cream sodas. "Come on Adam, beer is a manly drink, not cream soda". I say to you, bahhhhhh. Again you have shown your ignorance as cream soda is the blood of slain wingless bearded man sized beetles, manly.
Next we decided we need nutritional substance. Sutton got an order of Mac and Cheese, made with the rare milk of the Australian cliff goat, only seen once a year during a full moon on a Saturday evening. We then took a silly picture. "Adam, silly selfies are not manly". I say to you, bahhhh. It's not silly, its camouflage. We have to fit into this world we live. Once when on a secret mission with Chuck Norris we walked around famous landmarks taking selfies to blend in with the college girls with Uggs, only to break out of character in a split second to save the life of the South Egyptian queen from a gang of monkey snakes.
Next we went back home to hang. I had a mission to go perform. I can't say much but I can say that it involved 4 countries, Cuban cigars, ripe tomatoes, and finger nail polish. Anyways, while I was gone Papa Ed and Grandma Janet came and hung out. Sutton is manly enough at this point to stay alone, but part of being manly is hanging out with Papa Ed and Grandma Janet, because since they raised me, a manly guy, it can't hurt to have their influence on him. Sutton is on a strict regiment of dead meat and souls to man up, but they surprised him with some ice cream, I allowed it.
That ended the first night of man weekend of the century, but we had only gotten started. Early the next morning we got up to workout, completing our 300 pushups, 400 sit ups, and 150 car lifts promptly. We had plans for the day but they got derailed when Sutton got asked to go hang with a cute blonde and prove our dominance over the wild by watching animals in cages. You can't say not to a cute blonde if your are a real man, unless you are married to a cute blonde, then you have to say no to all but your cute blonde, which is acceptable in the rules of man.
Below is a picture of Sutton and his friend on a ride. Sutton did not want the ride to be normal, so he hunted and tamed a wild boar for her to ride.
We left reluctanly knowing that real men never leave a cute blonde in possible danger around wild animals but felt secure in the abilities of her father, who happens to be one of my sparring partners when I trained for the World Ninja Contest. I won. We headed to another manly place to explore science and our world. "But Adam, science isn't manly". To that I say, say that to the Hulk's face. The first thing we did here was watch a movie. Manly men's brains are different than the normal man. The normal man needs to watch a movie on a flat screen, whereas the redhead and myself have brains that have been reinforced with manly brain tissue, giving us the ability to watch movies on the inside of a sphere. Sutton enjoyed the sphere movie.
Our adventure then moved us into even more exciting adventures, two of which we almost perished. Sometimes to be really manly we must remove ourselves from our natural manly world to see from the perspective of lesser creatures, creating a better understanding of our world. Sutton decided to see what it was like to be a turtle and crawl through a tunnel, similar to the ninja turtles. Little known fact, the story of ninja was based of off a mission the Chuckster and I did back in the 60's. We had to assassinate an evil emperor and the only way was to disguise ourselves as tortoises at a zoo while the emperor toured it. When he was close we jumped up and ninjallly destroyed his whole group of ninja warriors and assassinated him, with love (this means we made him un-evil). We took him back to the US where he got a job in TV, you know him as Mr. Rogers.
After turtle time we decided to build. Nothing more manly than using your own hands to create something with wood. We build a 15 foot replica of the death star, and then recreated that fateful moment when Luke blew it up. Sadly I did not get a picture of it before we destroyed it, so here is a picture of Sutton with his hard hat. "But Adam, real men don't where hard hats". To that I say, bahhhh, and I also say, where did you learn to spell wear? While it is true that the Dreher skull has been proven to be of the hardest substance on earth, real men don't make others feel inferior unnecessarily, so we wore those hats out of respect for the weaklings among us.
Then we flew in an airplane, inside, escaping a swarm of deadly flying bear men.
After landing we decided to perform a play. "But Adam, plays aren't manly at all!". To that I say, bahhhhhh. Plays are a necessary evil, as I can't recreate the time I killed off the last remaining ninja dragon bear, as there are no more, so it must be done in a play. Use your brain imaginary person that always has a negative reply.
In this play Sutton recreates one of the most epic battles ever between a giant man eating croc and a huge woman eating tortoise (in the pre-historic days animals ate gender specific meals, learn your facts). Why is it silent? Because, everyone knows that if there is no one is in a forest to hear an epic battle, it is done so in silence. Did you not pay attention in science class?
After our adventrues in the place of exploration, we decided to go home and man it up some more there. First we worked on getting headlights on the Mustang. Car stuff, manly. Then Sutton played one of the most manly sports known to the human race. "Come on Adam, you can't really believe that soccer is more manly than football, wrestling, shark diving, or boxing?" To that I say, bahhhhh. I also say how do you keep getting on my blog post and making these comments? Anyways, Sutton played one of the rarest types of soccer games with his papa Ed, no one faked a fall! That hasn't happened since the game against Mexico and China in the 1643 olympics.
After this we had a crazy whirlwind of manliness including guns, ninja turtles, bike rides, and baths. "But Adam, only like one of those is manly". To that I say, shut up. You don't know the whole story. A guy with a gun tried to attack us while we where in our ninja turtle helmets, so we rode a bike over his face, and then cleansed his evilness in a bath of eel saliva. Then we gave Sutton a hair cut.
All of this made us as hungry as the time I didn't eat for a week due to my mouth being sewed shut by a savage band of tiny Canadian t-shirt makers. Sutton was told he can pick anything in the world to eat, and we would make it happen. His choice was nothing short of epic, the most manly of dinners, peanut butter and jelly toast with yogurt. He grew his first chest hair slightly after. I took a picture of my food as well, because I never do. I killed some wild game in the back yard with a nerf gun, cooked up some noodles with a nice peanut sauce, and sauteed the game in an aged teriyaki sauce.
We finished our man time by spending the night in the basement on an air mattress filled with the breath of mermaids and watch Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs. "But Adam, that movie is not manly". To that I say bahhhhh. As a whole it may not be, but we focused on the cop and his ability to show his intent to be awesome with the simple flex of his cheeks.
I know you wish you could have been there, but lets be honest, most of you would have collapsed within the first breath of burp fart air that started the man weekend, and there was no way you could have kept up with the whirlwind of manliness.
"But Adam, this weekend you just showed us wasn't manly at all, or special, it was just you and your kid doing normal Wichita things like the zoo and Exploration place. Everyone knows there isn't anything actually manly or adventurous in Wichita".
To that I say BAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
All manly people know that adventures and awesomeness come from people, relationships, and the experiences those create together. As my age has gone up and my beard has gone down I have come to be frustrated by the small minded un-imaginary people of the world. As my long time friend Taylor says, haters gonna hate. I grow tired of people who think you need to mountain climb while standing on a plane traveling across the Antarctic in your underwear to be an adventure. There has been little in my life that has outshined the moment in this weekend when laying on our mermaid breath mattress with my four year old when I told him I was going to go do a few things and his response was "but who am I going to snuggle with?" Manly? Maybe not. Epic adventure? Maybe not. Beats anything in the world you could do with an unlimited amount of money? Yes. You make epic adventures, they are not reliant on a place or activity, just on your ability to be epic.
"But Adam, getting serious and sentimental at the end of a manly blog post isn't manly!" To that I say, stop writing these parts Adam, nobody likes them.
Until next time.
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