Thankful

The plan was to not use this blog until we were well into our next pregnancy. It looks like that might not be for awhile now, and Adam thinks it might be a good outlet for me to get some of my thoughts out. And to get our story out, what we've been going through.

I don't think I'm quite ready to talk about the medical side of things, but suffice it to say that there are more complications than we knew of before. We're trying to rationally deal with those issues, but it's hard for me to keep my emotions in check when I'm sitting in a doctor's office, waiting endlessly for results that keep coming back as bad news.

I'm so thankful for my God. Without Him, there would be no reason for this. With Him, I know there's a higher purpose for everything we're going through. I know I quoted this verse before, when we announced our pregnancy, but it's even more of a comfort to cling to now:

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

-Jeremiah 29:11

That's all I have to hold on to right now. Some day, we will see the reason this all happened to us. Some day, God's purpose will be made clear and we'll understand everything, and praise Him for it. While it's hard to not be angry, I'm trying to even praise Him now, because I know He's the only one who can make sense of this and give me comfort.

I know this isn't the Oscars or anything :), but there are a few people who have been so instrumental in keeping me sane over these last three weeks. Aside from Adam, who's been my rock, I know I have a shoulder to cry on in these people. It's never too late to text or call if I'm having a meltdown. So here goes.

First off, my best friend Rachael is the most amazing friend anyone could have. When she first heard what happened to our baby, she cried and prayed and was more angry than even I was. Since she's a nurse, I've been able to talk to her about all the medical stuff as well as what I'm feeling. I couldn't ask for a stronger, more encouraging friend. She seems to know exactly what I'm saying, even if she can't exactly understand what I'm feeling. When Adam had to go out of town the week after we lost the baby, Rachael rearranged her work schedule up in KC so that she'd be able to come stay with me so I wouldn't have to sleep alone. She doesn't get uncomfortable when I start to cry, she usually cries with me. Which is strangely comforting. And she's so good at just listening and giving me Godly advice. I love you, Rachael, and am so thankful you've been by my side during this whole thing. Here are some photos of us the weekend she came down here.

Next, I have to thank Ginger. I don't even know where to start. She's sent me so many text messages at the most random times, just to tell me that she's thinking about me and to see how I'm doing. She's made such an effort to let me know that she will always remember my baby, even when other people start to forget, even when Adam and I finally do have a child to hold in our arms, she will remember my first baby and grieve with me when it's too much to think that I won't meet that little one til I'm in heaven. She has prayed for me, cried with me, and all the while, been so concerned that she's stepping on my toes in doing so. We have such a bond, I don't think there's anything she could do that would hurt my feelings or make me feel like she was being unsympathetic to how I felt. She was there through the 10 long months when we Adam and I were trying to get pregnant, and was probably the person who got the most excited when I finally was able to tell her that we were having a baby! I feel so bad that I haven't been able to celebrate her new little baby, Avery with her...it's just too hard to be around that at this point. And of course, Ginger understands that perfectly, and isn't offended at all. Ginger, thanks for loving me and helping get me through this, you've been more supportive than I could've asked you to be, and your constant texts have helped me know that I'm not alone in this. This photo is of Ginger and I sandwiching her mom, and you can see the top of Avery's head.

Lindsey has become so much more than just my business partner, she is now one of my closest friends. Though she was kind of forced into the role of being my daily picker-upper after we lost the baby, there was no hesitation in her willingness to be there for me any time I needed it. I went back to work just two days after everything happened, and she was immediately there for anything I needed - to talk, to listen, to make me laugh. She has probably been the single biggest thing that has kept me from going crazy depressed because I can't help but fall into speaking in our made-up accent and joking around when I'm with her. I think her attitude of "life goes on, but I'm here if you need to break down for a second" has helped me seamlessly ease back into my routine, and carry on my normal life. I think God placed her in my life for a number of reasons, but one of them was to help me through this storm. Lindsey, I don't tell you enough how grateful I am for you and for your quirkiness. You've done a fantastic job of holding me together. Last week, Lindsey and I went to the bridal shop next door to our studio to talk to the owner, and we ended up trying on wedding dresses.



I have so many things that I wanted to include in this blog post because I have so many thoughts running through my head. There isn't a hour that goes by that I don't miss my baby. The littlest things trigger the biggest meltdowns, and I don't know how long it will take for that to change. I can only cling to God and make steps through His guidance to try to get through this. I'll never forget, but I'd like to get to a place where I'm thankful for the few weeks I did have with my baby, and I don't cry every time I think about how we lost him (or her). That's another thing. I wish I knew my baby's gender so I could at least give it a name... but I'll save that kind of talk for another post.

I don't want to go without mentioning that my parents and Adam's parents have been a huge blessing as well. They know when to give us what we need, and they know when to back off. It's hard for them too because they loved this little life and were making plans for it too. I also have many other friends who've been really encouraging and helpful during this time. I've even had lots of people I didn't know get in touch with me to tell me they are praying and are so sorry for what happened. I thought it'd make things harder since we had just announced our pregnancy to everyone, but I'm thankful it happened the way it did. I can't imagine going through this without anyone knowing that we are grieving.

To end on a lighter note, Adam and I photographed two out-of-town weddings this weekend, and I took a few pictures of our adventures. First, my hairy but amazingly good-looking hubby, and me :).


We found this sign, in Manhattan for a road that was actually called Goodfood Place. I think there was an IHOP and a Pizza Hut on that road.

At one of the gas stations where we stopped, we found a gigantic beef jerky.

This was after we finally got home Sunday, I was able to take a nap. Adam walked in and found this scene. I covered Axl's man parts in Photoshop to keep it clean.

And since I included a picture of my dog, (and I know some of you will think I'm a freak), I must say that I am also really thankful for my dogs. As we speak, Axl has his head in my lap and is snoring away. Because he's so big, I can hug him tight if I need a hug and no one's home, he doesn't mind me laying on him and throwing my leg over him while we're taking a nap. And my little guy, Diesel, is the perfect remedy to my empty arms. He's baby-sized and will let me hold him (at least for a little while) when I just need to feel like a mom and have someone in my arms.